My First Job

My first job______ was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate._____ Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe._____ After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow._____Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting._____ I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.____ I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard._____ My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy._______ I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience._____ Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.____ I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.____I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.___ I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.____ My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind._____ After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. 

Some Old Some New

Some old, some new, most of them funny_________My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I  didn't ____-Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering _______-For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8.Worn once by mistake______There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.______ Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car_______The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job."Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?""Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times._________"An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the  last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation,"I now pronounce you man and wife______ It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same._____________I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be g great if that happened more often?________- Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.______ The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make e a living under the laws they've passed.______All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card._______Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea

A Guy Walks Into A Bar

A guy walks into a bar_______ with jumper cables. The bartender says,You can come in, but don't start anything!_____ This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.Four bucks, says the bartender. Put it on my bill._____ A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw._____ A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road.

Three Friends

Three friends_____________from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" 

The Rabbi

''the Rabbi''___________A man goes to see the Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"the man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied," Take the poison."   

Larrys Bar

''larrys bar''_______ A man goes to a shrink---- and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"-

Highway Patrolmans Ball

"highway patrolmans ball''__________A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left

A Cannibal

A cannibal______ was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu..+ Tourist: $5 + Broiled Missionary:$10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00  + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician? The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit

Last Breath

''last breath''______John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully." Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob.""But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Two Old Guys

Two old guys______ Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart When they collide.The first old guy says to the second guy,'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,And I guess I wasn't paying attention To where I was going. The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.I'm looking for my wife, too.'I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'The first old guy says, 'Well,Maybe I can help you find her...What does she look like?'' The second old guy says,'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,With red hair,Blue eyes,Long legs,And is wearing short shorts.What does your wife look like?' To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,--- let's look for your                                                                                                                              

One Night

One night,______ as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'The husband, rejected, turns over.A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Southern Thinking

Southern Thinking_____Georgia:_________The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% , how much would you take off?' the secretary thought a moment, and then replied,'Every thing but my earrings.'_____Alabama:__________A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked. 'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.' You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired. 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'______Louisiana___________A senior at LSU was overheard saying , 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world._____________ 

Mississippi___________The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? 'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'________________ 

Tennessee___________ A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. the trooper asked, 'Got any ID?' The driver replied, 'Bout whut?' 

Arkansas___________: A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the s ide of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.' The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.'_____And my favorite: You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...

Woman-Cop

Woman:_____ Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.Woman: Oh, I see.Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.  Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too. 

Robot Bartender

Robot Bartender______A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked,"Sir, what will you have?"The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"The man answered "oh, about 164."The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity','inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break through, etc.......The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Dallas Cowboys, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,"A-r-e?  y-o-u-r?  p-e-o-p-l-e???  h-a-p-p-y?  w-i-t-h  O-B-A-M-A?????

A Man Walks Into A Bar

A man walked into a bar_____ and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. Does your dog bite? he asked. No. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. I thought you said your dog doesn't bite! he said indignantly. The other guy replied, That's not my dog.____A skeleton walks into a bar and says,Gimme a beer, and a mop.___ Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him. He's laying on the floor and moans,Why do you let the bartender do it? Because he has a liquor license! I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

Two Fish

Two fish_____ swim into a concrete wall.One turns to the other and says dam._____ Two wrongs can make a riot._____ Unemployment is not  working_____

.Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms._____ What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen._____ What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates._____ What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.

Three Mischievous Grandmas

    

Three mischievous grandmas______were sitting on a bench outside a Nursing home. About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old Fools."One of the ornery grandma's said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under drawers and we can tell your exact age."Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,"You're 84 years old!""How in the world did you guess?!?" The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,"Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.    

Pink Weenie

PINK WEENIE______ A couple attending  an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that  had them completely confused.The painting depicted three  very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the  pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression   experienced by gay men in contemporary society.After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about? Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the couple. Because Im the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. Theyre just three  Kentucky coal miners,and the guy in the middle went home for  lunch. 

50 Years

50 years______After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, Honey, 50 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a  cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white  TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old gal. Now I  have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma  screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things. My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crises... 

Telephone Company

Telephone Company______Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer. "Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said. Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was the answer. "Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?" "Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground." 

The Sheriff

The Sheriff______One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay herself on the hay and said, 'Okay Billy-Bob, let's go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here." 

2 Rednecks

2 Rednecks______Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?" asked Bubba."Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?""No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch." 

happy holidays

Dirty Johnny Smoking

Dirty Johnny smoking_____A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything. The guy says, "How old are you?" Johnny says, "Six." The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?" Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid." The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?" Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."  

Truck Driver

Truck Driver______This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes." The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb twit, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen......" 

Visting The Zoo

Visiting the Zoo_______A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks" Are you hurt?" She replies. Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn't called! He hasn't written! 

Blonde Ironing

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Blonde Ironing_____A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidently picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed, "but what happened to your other ear?" "The SOB called back!!" 

A Woman

A woman_____sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman, "Use more soap on panties."This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with, "Use more paper on ass." 

Husband And Wife

There was a husband and his wife_____ sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Two Old Women

Two old women_____ were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"

A Guy

A guy_____got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her. "Do you by any chance have todays paper?"The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

Two Guys

Two guys_____are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass? The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.And I said, "No shit."

Old Man

Old Man_____.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end."We're not coming out until you leave!"The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."Old men can still think fast. 

Kentucky Hotel

Kentucky hotel_____How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead." 

A couple

A couple_____ had been married for 50 years.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.''I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.''Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Guess

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"______ on it.  So I said "Implants?" She hit me._____   How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?_____ A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"_____ Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference._____ Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!_____ Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?_____ Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?_____ Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"

Hillibilly Fight

Hillibilly Fight______There were two backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. Cletis hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Army Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Cletis was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whup Clarence.He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whup Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 6 IN" 

A Woman

A woman_____ sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman, "Use more soap on panties."This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with, "Use more paper on ass." 

A Passenger In A Taxi

A passenger in a taxi_____ tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a  few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of  me."The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!

A Burglar

A burglar_____ broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.' 

Artists Of The 60's

Some of the artists of the 60's_____ are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo"as if it  were yesterday. They include:..... Bobby Darin ---  Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash  Herman's Hermits ---  Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker , Ringo Starr  --- I Get By With A Little Help From Depends,  The Bee Gees  ---  How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?,  Roberta Flack  ---The First time ever I forgot Your Face , Johnny Nash ---   I Can't See Clearly Now.  Paul Simon ---  Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver,  The Commodores  ---  Once, Twice, Three Times To the Bathroom,  Procol Harem ---  A Whiter Shade Of Hair,  Leo Sayer  --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping , The Temptations ---Papa's Got A Kidney Stone,  Tony Orlando ---  Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall, Helen Reddy  ---  I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore, Leslie Gore ---  It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To . And Last but NOT least... Willie Nelson  --- On the Commode Again 

KFC Update

KFC UPDATE!!!_____Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue? Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic? And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs? Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.Just keeping you up to date..... 

Computer Crash

   I was having trouble with my computer:_____ So i called Harold the computer guy,to come over.Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.As he was walking away,i called after him,"So,what was wrong?" He replied,"It was id ten error."I Didn't want to appear stupid,but nonetheless inquired,ten t error? Whats that..in case i need to fix it again?Harold grinned...."Haven't you ever heard pf an id ten t error before?"No i replied." he said,"and i think you'll figure it out."So I wrote down ID10T,"I used to like Harold.

A Perverted Burglar

  A perverted burglar_____ broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.___ Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery________ I remember the case not too long ago of the scientist that cloned himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for making an obscene clone fall._______ Two wrongs can make a riot._________   Unemployment is not working.___Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms.____ What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen______  What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates._______ What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.

The Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment_________A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece  

Man Has 6 Children

A man has six children_________ and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'His wife., irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."(RIGHT ON, LADY!)      

Husband Calls Maid

 Husband Calls Maid__________Husband calls home and the maid answers the phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs with her boyfriend." So, he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and shoot them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok.", 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?" 

elvis presley

Old Man And The Dog

The Old Man and the Dog______ Watch out! You nearly broad sided that car! My father yelled at me.Cant you do anything right? Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasnt 

prepared for another battle. I saw the car, Dad. Please dont yell at me when Im driving.My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt. Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back.At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain.The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him? Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon .He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling 

lumberjack competitions,and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess. The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldnt lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever 

anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldnt do something he had done as a younger man. Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived. But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctors orders.Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults.The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left 

alone. My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was 

taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dads troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was 

silent. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it. The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered. In vain. Just when I was giving up hope, one of the 

voices suddenly exclaimed, I just  read something that might help you! Let me go get the article. I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given 

responsibility for a dog. I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted 

dogs; all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons; too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen  a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog worlds 

aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed.Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly. I pointed to the dog.Can you tell me about him? The officer 

looked, then shook his head in puzzlement. Hes a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow. He gestured helplessly. As the words sank in I turned to 

the man in horror. You mean youre going to kill him?Maam, he said gently, thats our policy. We dont have room for every unclaimed dog. I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. I'll take him, I said.I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me.When I reached the house I 

honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch. Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad! I said excitedly. Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I dont want it Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house. Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples.Youd better get used to him, Dad. Hes staying! Dad ignored me. Did you hear me, Dad? I screamed. At those words Dad whirled 

angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.Dads lower jaw trembled as he stared at 

the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal. It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne . Together he and Cheyenne explored the community.They spent long hours walking down 

dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet. Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dads bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne 

made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyennes cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my fathers room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during 

the night. Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dads bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dads peace of mind. The 

morning of Dads funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. Be not forgetful to entertain strangers.Ive often thanked God for sending that angel, he said. For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article...Cheyennes unexpected appearance at the animal shelter. . .his calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father. . .and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all. Life is too short for drama  petty things, so laugh hard,love truly and forgive quickly. Live While You Are Alive.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time. Lost time can never be found.

singing the wrong song

Husbands Are Husbands

Husbands are husbands___A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned' 

Marriage Humor

 Marriage Humour____________Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband:  Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage   certificate for an hour. Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'