Highway Patrolmans Ball

"highway patrolmans ball''__________A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left

A Cannibal

A cannibal______ was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu..+ Tourist: $5 + Broiled Missionary:$10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00  + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician? The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit

Last Breath

''last breath''______John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully." Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob.""But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Two Old Guys

Two old guys______ Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart When they collide.The first old guy says to the second guy,'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,And I guess I wasn't paying attention To where I was going. The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.I'm looking for my wife, too.'I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'The first old guy says, 'Well,Maybe I can help you find her...What does she look like?'' The second old guy says,'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,With red hair,Blue eyes,Long legs,And is wearing short shorts.What does your wife look like?' To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,--- let's look for your                                                                                                                              

One Night

One night,______ as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'The husband, rejected, turns over.A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Southern Thinking

Southern Thinking_____Georgia:_________The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% , how much would you take off?' the secretary thought a moment, and then replied,'Every thing but my earrings.'_____Alabama:__________A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked. 'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.' You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired. 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'______Louisiana___________A senior at LSU was overheard saying , 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world._____________ 

Mississippi___________The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? 'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'________________ 

Tennessee___________ A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. the trooper asked, 'Got any ID?' The driver replied, 'Bout whut?' 

Arkansas___________: A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the s ide of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.' The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.'_____And my favorite: You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...

Woman-Cop

Woman:_____ Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.Woman: Oh, I see.Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.  Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.