My First Job

My first job______ was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate._____ Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe._____ After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow._____Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting._____ I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.____ I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard._____ My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy._______ I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience._____ Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.____ I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.____I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.___ I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.____ My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind._____ After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. 

Some Old Some New

Some old, some new, most of them funny_________My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I  didn't ____-Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering _______-For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8.Worn once by mistake______There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.______ Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car_______The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job."Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?""Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times._________"An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the  last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation,"I now pronounce you man and wife______ It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same._____________I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be g great if that happened more often?________- Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.______ The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make e a living under the laws they've passed.______All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card._______Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea

A Guy Walks Into A Bar

A guy walks into a bar_______ with jumper cables. The bartender says,You can come in, but don't start anything!_____ This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.Four bucks, says the bartender. Put it on my bill._____ A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw._____ A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road.

Three Friends

Three friends_____________from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" 

The Rabbi

''the Rabbi''___________A man goes to see the Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"the man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied," Take the poison."   

Larrys Bar

''larrys bar''_______ A man goes to a shrink---- and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"-