Rednecks In A Lumber Yard

 Rednecks in a Lumber Yard

Some rednecks in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four.""All right. How long do you need them?"The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."After a while, he returned to the office and said, A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

Cajun and Donkey

Cajun and donkey

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rode up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.""Well then, just give me my money back.""Cain't do that. I went and spent it already.""OK then, just unload the donkey.""What ya gonna do with em.""I'm gonna raffle him off.""Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!""Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?""I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.""Didn't no one complain?""Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

2 Rednecks

2 Rednecks
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?" asked Bubba."Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?""No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

The Elevator

The Elevator

A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time. the father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator. "What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" said the father. Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her crutch, waits for the doors to open and gets in. The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch. They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"

Hillbilly Fight

 Hillibilly Fight

There were two backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. Cletis hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Army Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Cletis was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whup Clarence.He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whup Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 6 IN"

Dirty Johnny Smoking

 Dirty Johnny smoking

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything. The guy says, "How old are you?" Johnny says, "Six." The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?" Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid." The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

Guy Falls Asleep

 Guy falls asleep on the beach

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor? The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

Bra Type

 Bra Type

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife' 'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?' 'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?' Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?' The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

Father and Little Johnny

 Father and Little Johnny

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike."Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,"he asked. "Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth!" Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

Sex Twice A Day

 Sex Twice a Day

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. Mary... Mary...Is that you John? Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like? Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have
sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven. Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Indiana.

Truck Driver

  " Truck Driver

This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes." The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb twit, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen......"

A Good Teacher

Good Teacher-----------A lesson that should be taught in all schools... and colleges.Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies school teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock, did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal, and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks from her classroom.When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there were no desks."Ms. Cothren, where're our desks?"She replied, "You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn the right to sit at a desk."They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades.""No," she said."Maybe it's our behavior."She told them, "No, it's not even your behavior."And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still no desks in the classroom.By early afternoon television news crews had started gathering in Ms. Cothren's classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room.The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the deskless classroom, Martha Cothren said, "Throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you." At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it.Twenty-seven (27) U.S. Veterans, all in uniform, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall. By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned.Martha said, "You didn't earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it's up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education.. Don't ever forget it."
By the way, this is a true story.

Advice From A Retired Husband

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:------------   It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.   My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.   Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed..  Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.  When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.   Signed, Jim............   EDITOR'S NOTE:  Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder.The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

Think Before You Speak

''Think before you speak''
    Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....  I walked into a hair salon with my husband and threekids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job ?"I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.       I

was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied , "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

  While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided  to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of  the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. Asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" while 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 LAST BUT NOT LEAST  This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard

the senior

''the senior''
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing..."and," pausing to take another drink of beer... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them.Now, you arrogant little shit head, what are you doing for the next generation?"

5 Country Churches

''5 country churches''
There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:The Presbyterian Church the Baptist Church the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels  the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.. the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution.They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter  Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.  

Those Who Believe In Nothing

Those Who Believe In Nothing........you can't see the wind but you know it exists...you can't see carbon dioxide but it exists...You put faith in many things you take for granted like the fact you will wake in the morning and sleep tonight...funny how people can pick and choose what they choose to announce their faith in....at least people who believe in something stand for something...and are not living their lives standing for nothing.....believing in nothing...If the word of God and our own souls are not existence enough then you really have not taken the time to realize your true self...who you are...and what's inside. Could you make a human being from your hands?...could you form each vessel..create DNA?.... You think we just appeared here from a star-burst? You can put your faith in a scientist who has theories and rarely facts as a group of scientists who come to 5 different conclusions are NOT facts... but not in faith of the one who created you....You see i have nothing to prove to anyone for one day it will be proven to you by God...and on that day it will be to late for you.? 

TIME GOES ON

  As I've aged, .............I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.  I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.   I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.  I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.  Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.  As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.  So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

The Perfect Solution

 The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care
 While discussing the upcoming Universal Health
 Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found
 the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior
you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
A new hip? Unheard of. We simply cant afford to take care of you anymore.
 You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes,
heart problems, etc. Lets take care of the young people. After all, they
will be ruling the world very soon.
 So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get
 a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2
 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get
3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!!
 New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung,
heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same
 government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And,
 since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.
 I really think we have a Perfect
Solution!!!

Taxi Driver

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.For a  few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!

Somebody Has there Eye on you!!!

A man is dining______ in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The   next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said,you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? No, she replied,You just happened to catch my eye.

3 Historical Events

Three significant historical events have been eclipsed by Obama: 1) Jimmy Carter will no longer be looked upon as the worst president in American history; 2) Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton will no longer be recognized as the greatest liars in presidential history; 3) Clinton's stain on Monica's dress, and what that did to White House in general and the office of the president specifically, will forever pale in comparison to the stain and stench of Obama.
I need not spend much time on the failure of Obama as president. His tenure has been a failure on every measurable level. So much so, in fact, that some of the staunchest, most respected liberal Democrats and Democratic supporters have not only openly criticized him - some even more harshly than this essayist - but they have called for him to step down.
Richard Nixon's words "I am not a crook," punctuated with his involvement in Watergate, and Bill Clinton's finger-wagging as he told one of the most pathetic lies in presidential history, in the aftermath of Obama, will be viewed as mere prevarications. r. Nixon and Clinton lied to save their backsides. Although, I would argue there are no plausible explanations for doing what they did, I could entertain arguments pursuant to understanding their rationales for lying. But in the case of Obama, he lies because he is a liar. He doesn't only lie to cover his misdeeds - he lies to get his way. He lies to belittle others and to make himself look presentable at their expense. He lies about his faith, his associations, his mother, his father and his wife. He lies and bullies to keep his background secret. His lying is congenital and compounded by socio-psychological factors of his life.
Never in my life, inside or outside of politics, have I witnessed such dishonesty in a political leader. He is the most mendacious political figure I have ever witnessed. Even by the low standards of his presidential predecessors, his narcissistic, contumacious arrogance is unequalled. Using Obama as the bar, Nero would have to be elevated to sainthood.
As the stock markets were crashing, taking with them the remaining life saving of untold tens of thousands, Obama was hosting his own birthday celebration, which was an event of epicurean splendidness. The shamelessness of the event was that it was not a state dinner to welcome foreign dignitaries, nor was it to honor an American accomplishment - it was to honor the Pharaoh, Barack Hussein Obama. The event's sole purpose was for the Pharaoh to have his loyal subjects swill wine, indulge in gluttony and behavior unfit to take place on the property of taxpayers, as they suffer. It was of a magnitude comparable to that of Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski's $2 million birthday extravaganza for its pure lack of respect for the people.
Permit me to digress momentarily. The U.S. Capitol and the White House were built with the intent of bringing awe and respect to America and her people. They were also built with the intent of being the greatest of equalizers. I can tell you, having personally been to both, there is a moment of awe and humility associated with being in the presence of the history of those buildings. They are to be honored and inscribed into our national psyche, not treated as a Saturday night house party at Chicago 's Cabrini-Green.
The people of America own that home Obama and his wife continue to debase with their pan-ghetto behavior. It is clear that Obama and family view themselves as royalty, but they're not. They are employees of "we the people," who are suffering because of his failed policies. What message does this behavior send to those who today are suffering as never before?
What message does it send to all Americans who are struggling? Has anyone stopped to think what the stock market downturn forebodes for those 80 million baby boomers who will be retiring in the next period of years? Is there a snowball's chance in the Sahara that every news program on the air would applaud this behavior if it were George W. Bush? To that point, do you remember the media thrashing Bush took for having a barbecue at the White House?
Like Nero - who was only slightly less debaucherous than Caligula - with wine on his lips Obama treated "we the people" the way Caligula treated those over whom he lorded.
Many in America wanted to be proud when the first person of color was elected president, but instead, they have been witness to a congenital liar, a woman who has been ashamed of America her entire life, failed policies, intimidation and a commonality hitherto not witnessed in political leaders. He and his wife view their life at our expense as an entitlement - while America 's people go homeless, hungry and unemployed.

The Madam

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early  fifties..
May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
      'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone
      else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged
      $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it
      to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly  left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained
      that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.  Again, the man pulled out
the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a
      third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No
      one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?'  The man replied, ' Ontario .'
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
      'I know.' the man said.  'Your sister died, and I am her attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life are certain:-
Death, Taxes, and being screwed by a lawyer.

Tha The Fight Started

 When I got home last
        night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
        expensive... so, I took
        her to a gas station.
        And then the fight
        started...

        My wife was hinting about
        what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
        She said, 'I want
        something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
        I bought her a scale.
        And then the fight
        started...

        My wife sat down on the
        couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
        She asked, 'What's on TV?'
        I said, 'Dust.'
        And then the fight
        started...        .

I Took My Wife

 I took my wife to a
        restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
        "I'll have the strip
        steak, medium rare, please."
        He said, "Aren't you
        worried about the mad cow?""
        Nah, she can order for
        herself."
        And then the fight
        started...

A Case Of Miller

 I tried to talk my wife
        into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
        Instead, she bought a jar
        of cold cream for $7.95.
        I told her the beer would
        make her look better at night than the cold cream.
        And then the fight
        started....

Kentucky

SOUTHWEST AIRLINES

 Southwest                     A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did.""Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

THE OLD FARMER

 He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end."We're not coming out until you leave!"The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."Old men can still think fast.

Two Antennas

 Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love
and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was
excellent.
 A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve
you, but don't start anything.
 A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: A beer please, and one for the road. Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.Is it common?Well, It's Not Unusual.
. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!

WONDER ABOUT ATTORNEYS

Wonder about attorneys! Some of these makes me wonder if the attorney even listens to the answer of the first question before he asks the next one. There are some of these that are just inexcusably funny?and I don?t believe they meant to be comic relief for the Court: These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITN ESS: Every year. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS:Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS:Huh? And the best for last Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

KIDS IN CHURCH

  A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
    One child answered, "Mary."
    The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
    A little kid said, "Verge."
    Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
    The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
                                                                                                KIDS IN CHURCH
    3-year-old Reese:
    "Our Father, Who does art in
    heaven, Harold is His name.
    Amen."

       A little ! boy was overheard praying:
    "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
    I'm having a real good time like I am."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    After the christening of his baby brother in church,
    Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
    His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
    "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
    Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
    for several evenings at bedtime.
    She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
    Finally, she decided to go solo.
    I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
    each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
    "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
    "but deliver us from E-mail.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    One particular four-year-old prayed,
    "And forgive us our trash baskets
    as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
    "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
    One bright little girl replied,
    "Because people are sleeping."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
    Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
    Finally, his big sister had had enough.
    "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
    "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
    Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
    "See those two men standing by the door?
    They're hushers."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
    The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said , "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A father was at the beach with his children
    when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
    grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
    where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
    "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
    "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
    "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
    The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

He Asked For It

   Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever ""Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

DIRTY OLD MAN

  Dirty Old Man                                                                                           A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends $30,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, I hope you dont mind my asking, but how old do you think I am? About 32, is the reply.Nope! Im exactly 50, the woman says happily..A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies I'd guess about 29.The woman replies with a big smile, Nope, I'm 50. Now shes feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk responds, Id say 30 Again she proudly responds, I'm 50, but thank you! While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.She finally blurts out, What the hell, go ahead. He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, Okay, okay....How old am I? He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, Madam, you are 50. Stunned and amazed, the woman says, That was incredible, how could you tell? The old man says, Promise you wont get mad? I promise I wont she says I was standing behind you at McDonalds.

A GOOD NURSE

 A good nurse Yeah Buddy don't mess with us nurses we WILL get even...... A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a needed second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

20 YEARS

20 Years                                                              A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isnt in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.Whats the matter, dear? she asks. Why are you down here at this time of night? The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asks solemnly.Yes, I do,she replies smiling. Sniffling a little bit he continues.. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love? Yes, I remember,says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years? I remember that, too,she replies softly.  He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, I would have gotten out today

7 KINDS OF SEX

7  kinds of sex.                                                                               The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular) The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month But not enough to enjoy your self.

KENTUCKY STATE TROOPER

 A Kentucky State Trooper pulled a car over on I-65 about 2 miles south of Lebanon Junction. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to New Haven to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy from Elizabethtown , got out and watched the performance He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied, You might as well take my ass to jail, there no way in hell I can pass that test.

OLD MAN AND THE DOG

The Old Man and the Dog                                                                               Watch out! You nearly broad sided that car! My father yelled at me. Cant you do anything right? Those words hurt worse than blo
ws. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasnt prepared for another battle. I saw the car, Dad. Please dont yell at me when Im driving.My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt. Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back.At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain.The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him? Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon .He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions,and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess. The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldnt lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldnt do something he had done as a younger man. Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived. But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctors orders.Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults.The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone. My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dads troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was silent. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it. The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered. In vain. Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, I just  read something that might help you! Let me go get the article. I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog. I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs; all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons; too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen  a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog worlds aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed.Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly. I pointed to the dog.Can you tell me about him? The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement. Hes a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow. He gestured helplessly. As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. You mean youre going to kill him?Maam, he said gently, thats our policy. We dont have room for every unclaimed dog. I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. I'll take him, I said.I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me.When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch. Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad! I said excitedly. Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I dont want it Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house. Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples.Youd better get used to him, Dad. Hes staying! Dad ignored me. Did you hear me, Dad? I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.Dads lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal. It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne . Together he and Cheyenne explored the community.They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet. Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dads bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyennes cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my fathers room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night. Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dads bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dads peace of mind. The morning of Dads funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks li

ke the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. Be not forgetful to entertain strangers.Ive often thanked God for sending that angel, he said. For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article...Cheyennes unexpected appearance at the animal shelter. . .his calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father. . .and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all. Life is too short for drama  petty things, so laugh hard,love truly and forgive quickly. Live While You Are Alive.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time. Lost time can never be found.