"FIRST REPUBLICAN DEBATE HIGHLIGHTS: 2015" — A Bad Lip Reading of The Re...

Polite Bear Waves Hello To Car Passenger

AMERICA--34 VIDEOS

MOVIE SOUNDTRACTS-58 VIDEOS

LYNN875-61 VIDEOS-61 VIDEOS

FAVORITES--94 Videos

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." 

Truly Blonde_____A blond  has become dreadfully overweight. She goes to the doctor and he decides to put her on a diet. "I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you'll probbaly be 5 pounds lighter." The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she lost 20 pounds. "That's amazing!" Said the doctor, "and you followed my instructions?" The blond nodds, tiredly. "I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" Asked her doctor. "No, silly, from the skipping!"

A police officer_____called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." 
"Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet." 

Wilma and her husband Barney_____ go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

Don't eat chicken sandwiches,______A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.''Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right.You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Marco Rubio______My prayers tonight are with the people of France as they come to terms with the terrible tragedy unfolding in Paris. These brutal terrorist attacks against innocent civilians are a reminder of the increasing dangers facing free peoples around the world, and it is important for all Americans to stand with the people of France in this difficult time. As we learn more about the attacks and who is behind them, the United States should assist the French government in finding those who are accountable and bringing them to justice. We cannot let those who seek to disrupt our way of life succeed. We must increase our efforts at home and abroad to improve our defenses, destroy terrorist networks, and deprive them of the space from which to operate.
Write a comment_____Bob Healey __You do not lock the front door of your house because you hate the people outside. You lock it because you love the people inside._____Greg Gutfeld______note to celebrities: stop tweeting sketches of the Eiffel Tower as part of a peace sign. You're idiots_____ the russian jet didn't wake us up. the 200 executed children didn't wake us up. Save the solemn pronouncements. we're long past lit candles 
 Sean Whalen_____MARK MY WORDS ?? ISIS is coming to America. I guarantee those fucks are already here. They will come to slaughter the sheep.
They will come for your children. They will come where they know they can inflict the most damage. They will come to cities and people with no guns.
They will come as a thief in the night when the sheep are fast asleep. WAKE UP. Obama can't protect you. The government can't protect you. You have 2 choices. 1. Be slaughtered. 2. Be ready and defend yourself. I love and want peace as much is the next man. But rest assured, there is and will always be someone wanting to hurt you. Live in peace. But you better be ready for war. YOUR CHOICE. 

Sorry, but I need to vent!!______ So I went to Walmart to get some clearance Halloween stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like, What is her problem?! I finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone so I don't have to look at her. Finally she says "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my son who just passed away." I felt really bad after that and gave her my condolences. She says "Thank you...but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me?" Inside I was like really?!? There is no way I would refuse so I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves. The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100.87. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "What?!!!" She said, "Your mom said you were paying for her items along with your things. I told her that the woman was most definitely NOT my mom. She said, well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like OMG...I flew out of the store looking for this witch and I see her loading up her car! She saw me and jumped in but I got to her as she was putting her leg in, and I started pulling her leg...just like I'm pulling yours right now!_____Hahaha... if I got you good, feel free to copy and paste. 

Lemon Squeeze___________There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 

Looks of Disappointment_________A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' 

Golf Balls______A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"  

Husband and wife______ had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever ""Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last!

Southwest airlines____________A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did.""Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time Have your Mom explain that to you."  

Martha_________ recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn he was in,She poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money! She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes she said.Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, l also bought it with the insurance money! Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said. Herman, remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said. Herman, remember that blow job l promised you?;Here it comes.....

A Kentucky State Trooper_______pulled a car over on I-65 about 2 miles south of Lebanon Junction. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to New Haven to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy from Elizabethtown , got out and watched the performance He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied, You might as well take my ass to jail, there no way in hell I can pass that test.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Sex on Mars____________ The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick."I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen."Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?""Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!""No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,his member grows until it's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.""No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?""I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?""It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.  

Two Guys Fishing

 Two guys_________ are sittin' in a boat on a lake fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Tom says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."Tony sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find          

The Typewriter

The Typewriter______A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

G+Friends

To All my g+friends i invite you to follow me on my blogger page

First Football Game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend__________ to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?""Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!" A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!" 

The Special Therapist

The Special Therapist___________An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' 
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing  wrong with the way you have intercourse..'He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.  This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry,  but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all.... Medicare pays $43 of it.'

The Physical Examination

The Physical Examination________70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" 

Blonde Secretary

A manager walks by his blonde secretary's desk when he notices she is crying her eyes out. Concerned for her well being, he asked her gently: "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my aunt had passed away.” The boss, feeling very sorry for her, suggests to the young girl. “Why don’t you take a day, go home and rest. We're not very busy, so just take this time for yourself. The blonde very calmly replies “No, I’d be better off here. It's good to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.” The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything just let me know.” Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, “What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?” “No”, exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that HER aunt died too!” 

Fresh From My Shower

Fresh from my shower,......... I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds" Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts."How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your ass, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw 

The Stewardess

A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms. The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!" “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Truly Blonde

Truly Blond...A blond  has become dreadfully overweight. She goes to the doctor and he decides to put her on a diet. "I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you'll probbaly be 5 pounds lighter." The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she lost 20 pounds. "That's amazing!" Said the doctor, "and you followed my instructions?" The blond nodds, tiredly. "I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" Asked her doctor. "No, silly, from the skipping!"

A Poem By Charlie Chaplin

THIS IS LIFE! A poem by Charlie Chaplin written on his 70th birthday on April 16, 1959.

When I started loving myself
I understood that I'm always and at any given opportunity
in the right place at the right time.
And I understood that all that happens is right -
from then on I could be calm.
Today I know: It's called TRUST.

When I started to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
When I tried to force my desires on this person,
even though I knew the time is not right and the person was not ready for it,
and even though this person was me.
Today I know: It's called LETTING GO

When I started loving myself
I could recognize that emotional pain and grief
are just warnings for me to not live against my own truth.
Today I know: It's called AUTHENTICALLY BEING.

When I started loving myself
I stopped longing for another life
and could see that everything around me was a request to grow.
Today I know: It's called MATURITY.

When I started loving myself
I stopped depriving myself of my free time
and stopped sketching further magnificent projects for the future.
Today I only do what's fun and joy for me,
what I love and what makes my heart laugh,
in my own way and in my tempo.
Today I know: it's called HONESTY.

When I started loving myself
I escaped from all what wasn't healthy for me,
from dishes, people, things, situations
and from everyhting pulling me down and away from myself.
In the beginning I called it the "healthy egoism",
but today I know: it's called SELF-LOVE.

When I started loving myself
I stopped wanting to be always right
thus I've been less wrong.
Today I've recognized: it's called HUMBLENESS.

When I started loving myself
I refused to live further in the past
and worry about my future.
Now I live only at this moment where EVERYTHING takes place,
like this I live every day and I call it CONSCIOUSNESS.

When I started loving myself
I recognized, that my thinking
can make me miserable and sick.
When I requested for my heart forces,
my mind got an important partner.
Today I call this connection HEART WISDOM.

We do not need to fear further discussions,
conflicts and problems with ourselves and others
since even stars sometimes bang on each other
and create new worlds.
Today I know: THIS IS LIFE! 

The Photographer

THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER  IN 1994 DURING THE SUDANE FAMINE.  THE CHILD WAS TRYING TO CRAWL TOWARDS A UNITED NATIONS FOOD CAMP A KILOMETER AWAY.  NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FATE OF THIS POOR LITTLE CHILD WAS OR IF THE VULTURE GOT WHAT HE WAS WAITING FOR~ BUT THE PHOTOGRAPHER COMMITTED SUICIDE 3 MONTHS LATER WHEN HIS PHOTO WON THE PULITZER PRIZE.  I'M SURE HE WAS GUILT RIDDEN BECAUSE HE DID NOTHING BUT WALK AWAY AFTER HIS PHOTOGRAPH WAS CAPTURED.  MY HEART CRIES TO SEE THIS KNOWING IT HAPPENS EVERYDAY WHILE WE INDULGE IN THE AMERICAN WAY OF SUPERSIZE EVERYTHING AND LAVISHING OUR KIDS WITH THEIR EVERY DEMAND AND NEW GADGET. 

Donation

Donation__________Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 'I can!'  'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.' 

Looks Of Disappointment

Looks of Disappointment_________A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' 

Lemon Equeeze

Lemon Squeeze___________There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 

Smile

Subject: SMILE_______A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

I Do Not Remember

I do not know.I do not remember.I do not remember anything.When holy love was lost...Life will not have meaning.We become empty.But fate is likely to remain there.What we are destined for may still exist.And occasionally in the length of time...journey that seek our destiny...Can beat time itself.In a long life...You'll see a lot of things.Things do not always make sense...In the world as we know it.He used to say...We will finish our job in the world...Then we will go to the top and become a star. Let me tell you something.No matter how much we turn the scales...No matter how many of them that we change into evil...They still have hope.It can not be stopped.We start losing, Lucifer.One star by one star, we begin to lose. Where do you think we are when we die? This is our destiny.To save someone.You're my destiny, right?Please, you're the one who must save.

A Wife

a wife_______ invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?""I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied."Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"                                                                                                              

A Father-A Mother-Six Year Old

A father was at the beach_______ with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand."Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"                                                                                                                                                         

A mother was preparing pancakes_______ for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said , "Ryan, you be Jesus!"   
          
Six-year-old_____ Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough."You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.""Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Sunday School Teacher

A Sunday school teacher_______ asked her children as they were on the way to church service,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"One bright little girl replied,"Because people are sleeping."One particular four-year-old prayed,"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
          
 I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,"but deliver us from E-mail.

After the christening of his baby brother in church,Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

Only Hear What They Want To

Overheard Praying

A little ! boy was overheard praying:"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

3-year-old Reese:_______"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.Amen."

A Sunday School Teacher

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"\One child answered, "Mary."The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"A little kid said, "Verge."Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

My Old Kentucky Home

Miracle Grow

  One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

Fight Started Again

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'        I bought her a scale. And then the fight  started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight  started... 
           

After Retiring

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I  was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.        The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'  And then the fight started...

Reunion

My wife and I were sitting   at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.        My wife asked, 'Do you   know her?'  'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my  old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'  'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'  And then the fight started...

Than The Fight Sarted

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay  me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your  eyesight's damn near perfect.'  and then the fight started......  

2 Innocent Babies

A man and a woman were  asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered,        jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast  as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your  husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'  And then the fight  started......  

You Drinking

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that        the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'  My loving wife of 10 years  replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'        & And then the fight started       

Hotel Lobby

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

Lay Down For Bed

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'The husband, rejected, turns over.A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Ftfty Years

A couple had been married for 50 years____________.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.''I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.''Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.''I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Mothers Drivers License

 Mother's Driver's License___________A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy", the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?""Now really", the mother says, "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her", the little girl says to her friend. "Well,' says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother,"I know how old you are. You are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 130 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out??" "And" the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why is that??""Because you got an F in sex."

Blonde Men

 Blonde Men:------------------A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
-----------------------------------Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a

police station.One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."------------------------------------A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."------------------------------------A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."------------------------------A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish."I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".------------------------------------A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.------------------------------------A blond man shouts frantically into the phone"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"------------------------------------A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"------------------------------------A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks."Here boy!" he replies.------------A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".------------------------------------An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."?

The Love Dress

THE LOVE DRESS............... A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room."What are you doing?!" she asked."I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered."But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed."This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained."Love dress? But you're naked!""Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"The mother-in-law left.When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively."What are you doing?" he asked."This is my love dress," she whispered sensually."Needs ironing," he said. ?