Rednecks In A Lumber Yard

 Rednecks in a Lumber Yard

Some rednecks in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four.""All right. How long do you need them?"The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."After a while, he returned to the office and said, A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

Cajun and Donkey

Cajun and donkey

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rode up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.""Well then, just give me my money back.""Cain't do that. I went and spent it already.""OK then, just unload the donkey.""What ya gonna do with em.""I'm gonna raffle him off.""Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!""Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?""I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.""Didn't no one complain?""Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

2 Rednecks

2 Rednecks
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?" asked Bubba."Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?""No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

The Elevator

The Elevator

A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time. the father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator. "What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" said the father. Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her crutch, waits for the doors to open and gets in. The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch. They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"

Hillbilly Fight

 Hillibilly Fight

There were two backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. Cletis hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Army Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Cletis was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whup Clarence.He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whup Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 6 IN"

Dirty Johnny Smoking

 Dirty Johnny smoking

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything. The guy says, "How old are you?" Johnny says, "Six." The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?" Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid." The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

Guy Falls Asleep

 Guy falls asleep on the beach

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor? The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

Bra Type

 Bra Type

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife' 'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?' 'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?' Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?' The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

Father and Little Johnny

 Father and Little Johnny

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike."Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,"he asked. "Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth!" Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

Sex Twice A Day

 Sex Twice a Day

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. Mary... Mary...Is that you John? Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like? Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have
sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven. Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Indiana.

Truck Driver

  " Truck Driver

This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes." The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb twit, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen......"

A Good Teacher

Good Teacher-----------A lesson that should be taught in all schools... and colleges.Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies school teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock, did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal, and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks from her classroom.When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there were no desks."Ms. Cothren, where're our desks?"She replied, "You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn the right to sit at a desk."They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades.""No," she said."Maybe it's our behavior."She told them, "No, it's not even your behavior."And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still no desks in the classroom.By early afternoon television news crews had started gathering in Ms. Cothren's classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room.The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the deskless classroom, Martha Cothren said, "Throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you." At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it.Twenty-seven (27) U.S. Veterans, all in uniform, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall. By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned.Martha said, "You didn't earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it's up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education.. Don't ever forget it."
By the way, this is a true story.

Advice From A Retired Husband

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:------------   It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.   My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.   Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed..  Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.  When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.   Signed, Jim............   EDITOR'S NOTE:  Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder.The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

Think Before You Speak

''Think before you speak''
    Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....  I walked into a hair salon with my husband and threekids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job ?"I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.       I

was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied , "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

  While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided  to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of  the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. Asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" while 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 LAST BUT NOT LEAST  This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard

the senior

''the senior''
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing..."and," pausing to take another drink of beer... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them.Now, you arrogant little shit head, what are you doing for the next generation?"

5 Country Churches

''5 country churches''
There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:The Presbyterian Church the Baptist Church the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels  the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.. the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution.They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter  Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.