Some Old Some New

Some old, some new, most of them funny_________My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I  didn't ____-Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering _______-For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8.Worn once by mistake______There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.______ Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car_______The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job."Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?""Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times._________"An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the  last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation,"I now pronounce you man and wife______ It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same._____________I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be g great if that happened more often?________- Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.______ The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make e a living under the laws they've passed.______All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card._______Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea