Let me introduce you to my blog,it will be funny,have funny photos, jokes,gifs, True Stories. It will entertain you,it will make you smile.It will have serious stuff.things we should care about.Things that make you cry,.Things of the past,and things to come.But mostly to make you Smile.Hope you enjoy Lynn
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
SOUTHWEST AIRLINES
THE OLD FARMER
Two Antennas
and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was
excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve
you, but don't start anything.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: A beer please, and one for the road. Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.Is it common?Well, It's Not Unusual.
. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!
WONDER ABOUT ATTORNEYS
KIDS IN CHURCH
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in
heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
A little ! boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said , "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
He Asked For It
DIRTY OLD MAN
A GOOD NURSE
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20 YEARS
7 KINDS OF SEX
KENTUCKY STATE TROOPER
OLD MAN AND THE DOG
The Old Man and the Dog Watch out! You nearly broad sided that car! My father yelled at me. Cant you do anything right? Those words hurt worse than blo
ws. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasnt prepared for another battle. I saw the car, Dad. Please dont yell at me when Im driving.My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt. Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back.At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain.The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him? Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon .He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions,and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess. The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldnt lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldnt do something he had done as a younger man. Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived. But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctors orders.Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults.The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone. My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dads troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was silent. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it. The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered. In vain. Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article. I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog. I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs; all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons; too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog worlds aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed.Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly. I pointed to the dog.Can you tell me about him? The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement. Hes a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow. He gestured helplessly. As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. You mean youre going to kill him?Maam, he said gently, thats our policy. We dont have room for every unclaimed dog. I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. I'll take him, I said.I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me.When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch. Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad! I said excitedly. Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I dont want it Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house. Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples.Youd better get used to him, Dad. Hes staying! Dad ignored me. Did you hear me, Dad? I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.Dads lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal. It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne . Together he and Cheyenne explored the community.They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet. Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dads bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyennes cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my fathers room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night. Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dads bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dads peace of mind. The morning of Dads funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks li
ke the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. Be not forgetful to entertain strangers.Ive often thanked God for sending that angel, he said. For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article...Cheyennes unexpected appearance at the animal shelter. . .his calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father. . .and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all. Life is too short for drama petty things, so laugh hard,love truly and forgive quickly. Live While You Are Alive.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time. Lost time can never be found.
ws. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasnt prepared for another battle. I saw the car, Dad. Please dont yell at me when Im driving.My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt. Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back.At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain.The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him? Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon .He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions,and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess. The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldnt lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldnt do something he had done as a younger man. Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived. But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctors orders.Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults.The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone. My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dads troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was silent. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it. The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered. In vain. Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article. I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog. I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs; all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons; too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog worlds aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed.Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly. I pointed to the dog.Can you tell me about him? The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement. Hes a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow. He gestured helplessly. As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. You mean youre going to kill him?Maam, he said gently, thats our policy. We dont have room for every unclaimed dog. I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. I'll take him, I said.I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me.When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch. Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad! I said excitedly. Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I dont want it Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house. Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples.Youd better get used to him, Dad. Hes staying! Dad ignored me. Did you hear me, Dad? I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.Dads lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal. It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne . Together he and Cheyenne explored the community.They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet. Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dads bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyennes cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my fathers room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night. Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dads bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dads peace of mind. The morning of Dads funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks li
IRS AUDIT
you explain by saying that you win money gambling. Im not sure the IRS finds that believable.Im a great gambler, and I can prove it,says Ralph`How about me giving you ademonstration? The auditor thinks for a moment and said, Okay. Go ahead. Ralph says, I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.The auditor thinks a moment and says, Its a bet.Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditors jaw drops. Ralph says, Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye. Now the auditor can see that Ralph isnt blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three thousand dollars, with Ralphs attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. Want to go double or nothing? Ralph asks I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides theres no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he cant make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditors desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralphs attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.Are you okay? the auditor asks. Not really,says the attorney. This morning, when Ralph told me hed been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and urinate all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
Hillbillies
Choke in a restaurant in the South Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar? The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, Kin ya breathe? The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says,Ya know, Id heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it!
I HAVE A QUESTION
THINGS I'VE LEARNED
things I've learned.............That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned....That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned....That money doesn't buy class. I've learned...That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned...That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned....That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned....That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned....That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned....That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned....That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned....That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned....That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've
learned...That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away. I've learned....That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. I've learned....That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. I've learned....That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned....That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned ...That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation. I've learned...That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
THE LONE RANGER
Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"The Lone Ranger responds! , "I'd like to speak to my horse."The chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops
away.Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You Have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and; spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You Are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time .. . . . BRING POSSEEEE
Sunday, February 19, 2012
LITTLE OLD LADY
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
WORKING OUT
THE COWBOY
what starta with F and ends with K
Martha
just a little tax
Tax his land,Tax his bed,Tax the table At which hes fed. Tax his tractor,Tax his mule T
each him taxes Are the rule.Tax his cow,Tax his goat Tax his pants,Tax his coat.Tax his ties,Tax his shirt,Tax his work,Tax his dirt.Tax his tobacco,Tax his drink,Tax him if he-Tries to think.Tax his cigars,Tax his beers,If he cries, then Tax his tears.Tax his car,Tax his gas,Find other ways To tax his a$$.Tax all he has Then let him know That you wont be done Till he has no dough.When he screams and hollers,Then tax him some more,Tax him till Hes good and sore.Then tax his coffin,Tax his grave,Tax the sod in Which hes laid.Put these words upon his tomb, Taxes drove me to my doom...When hes gone, Do not relax, Its time to apply The inheritance tax.Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax CDL license Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Excise Taxes Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Ta x Food License Tax Fuel Permit Tax Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon) Gross Receipts Tax Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Personal Property Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Service Charge Tax Social Security Tax Road Usage Tax Sales Tax Recreational Vehicle Tax School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone Federal Excise Tax Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax Telephone State and Local Tax Telephone Usage Charge Tax Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft Registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? NOT ONE OF THESE TAXES EXISTED 100 YEARS AGO and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.What happened? Can you spell politicians! And I still have to press 1 for English.
little old lady
The Eagle
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