Robot Bartender

Robot Bartender______A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked,"Sir, what will you have?"The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"The man answered "oh, about 164."The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity','inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break through, etc.......The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Dallas Cowboys, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,"A-r-e?  y-o-u-r?  p-e-o-p-l-e???  h-a-p-p-y?  w-i-t-h  O-B-A-M-A?????

A Man Walks Into A Bar

A man walked into a bar_____ and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. Does your dog bite? he asked. No. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. I thought you said your dog doesn't bite! he said indignantly. The other guy replied, That's not my dog.____A skeleton walks into a bar and says,Gimme a beer, and a mop.___ Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him. He's laying on the floor and moans,Why do you let the bartender do it? Because he has a liquor license! I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

Two Fish

Two fish_____ swim into a concrete wall.One turns to the other and says dam._____ Two wrongs can make a riot._____ Unemployment is not  working_____

.Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms._____ What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen._____ What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates._____ What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.

Three Mischievous Grandmas

    

Three mischievous grandmas______were sitting on a bench outside a Nursing home. About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old Fools."One of the ornery grandma's said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under drawers and we can tell your exact age."Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,"You're 84 years old!""How in the world did you guess?!?" The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,"Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.    

Pink Weenie

PINK WEENIE______ A couple attending  an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that  had them completely confused.The painting depicted three  very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the  pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression   experienced by gay men in contemporary society.After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about? Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the couple. Because Im the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. Theyre just three  Kentucky coal miners,and the guy in the middle went home for  lunch. 

50 Years

50 years______After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, Honey, 50 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a  cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white  TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old gal. Now I  have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma  screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things. My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crises... 

Telephone Company

Telephone Company______Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer. "Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said. Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was the answer. "Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?" "Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground." 

The Sheriff

The Sheriff______One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay herself on the hay and said, 'Okay Billy-Bob, let's go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here." 

2 Rednecks

2 Rednecks______Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?" asked Bubba."Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?""No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch." 

happy holidays

Dirty Johnny Smoking

Dirty Johnny smoking_____A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything. The guy says, "How old are you?" Johnny says, "Six." The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?" Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid." The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?" Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."  

Truck Driver

Truck Driver______This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes." The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb twit, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen......" 

Visting The Zoo

Visiting the Zoo_______A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks" Are you hurt?" She replies. Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn't called! He hasn't written! 

Blonde Ironing

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Blonde Ironing_____A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidently picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed, "but what happened to your other ear?" "The SOB called back!!" 

A Woman

A woman_____sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman, "Use more soap on panties."This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with, "Use more paper on ass."