discovery

The Cop

The cop________got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A Woman

 A woman_________walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked." Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. How can you tell them apart? He responded,"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Smith Climbs

Smith climbs_______to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking  up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean? The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you? The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

How To Avoid The Swine

How To Avoid The Swine______ Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day.. Go for a swim.. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, Keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.Get plenty of rest. OR Take the doctor's approach..Think about it...When you go for a flu shot,what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol... Why ??? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.. So...... I walk to the liquor store. (exercise) I put lime in my lager ...(fruit) Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air) Tell jokes,ugh....(eliminate stress) Then pass out. (rest) The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up Flu germs Can't get you! My grandmother always said... 'A shot in the glass Is better than one in the ass!' Live Well and Laugh Often !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies_____ are outside their nursing home,  having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.  One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off  the end, puts it over  her cigarette, and continues smoking.  Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't  get wet. Maude: Where did you get it?  Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and  announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of  condoms.  The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her  kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a  Camel." 

Scenario

 Scenario:______ You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer:Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk!!!!   

I Dialed A Number

 I dialed a number____ and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."_____ At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,"Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of Take offs_____Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake.""No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking_____ Aspire to inspire before you expire. _____My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to Use mine._____As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."_____ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses._____Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting._____The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere._____I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.      

A Man Is Dining

A man is dining______ in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said,you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? No, she replied,You just happened to catch my eye.

A Lady Wrote

A lady wrote_____ to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'

A Hungry Lion

A hungry lion______ was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book;_____ the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

Chess Enthusiasts

A group of chess enthusiasts_____ checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why?they asked as they moved along.Because,said the manager, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.