One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' and then the fight started......
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started......
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' & And then the fight started
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'The husband, rejected, turns over.A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
A couple had been married for 50 years____________.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.''I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.''Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.''I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
Mother's Driver's License___________A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy", the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?""Now really", the mother says, "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her", the little girl says to her friend. "Well,' says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother,"I know how old you are. You are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 130 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out??" "And" the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why is that??""Because you got an F in sex."
Blonde Men:------------------A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
-----------------------------------Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station.One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."------------------------------------A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."------------------------------------A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."------------------------------A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish."I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".------------------------------------A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.------------------------------------A blond man shouts frantically into the phone"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"------------------------------------A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"------------------------------------A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks."Here boy!" he replies.------------A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".------------------------------------An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."?
THE LOVE DRESS............... A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room."What are you doing?!" she asked."I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered."But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed."This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained."Love dress? But you're naked!""Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"The mother-in-law left.When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively."What are you doing?" he asked."This is my love dress," she whispered sensually."Needs ironing," he said. ?
Living Will Form I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept aliveby artificial means.Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. Nor in the hands of lawyers/doctors who are interested simply in running up the bills.If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:Bloody Mary, White Russian, Screwdriver,Manhattan, Vodka and Tonic, lobster or crab legs, the remote control, bowl of ice cream, the sports page..chocolate, ..it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.At this point, it is time to call good Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast thgood times we have had.Signature: ___________________________Date: ___________________________
A 50-something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation. If you are against racism,show it in your daily lives.
"Each individual of the society has a right to be protected by it in the enjoyment of his life, liberty, and property, according to standing laws. He is obliged, consequently, to contribute his share to the expense of this protection; and to give his personal service, or an equivalent, when necessary. But no part of the property of any individual can, with justice, be taken from him, or applied to public uses, without his own consent, or that of the representative body of the people. In fine, the people of this commonwealth are not controllable by any other laws than those to which their constitutional representative body have given their consent."John Adams
"I am for doing good to the poor, but I differ in opinion of the means. I think the best way of doing good to the poor, is not making them easy in poverty, but leading or driving them out of it. In my youth I traveled much, and I observed in different countries, that the more public provisions were made for the poor, the less they provided for themselves, and of course became poorer. And, on the contrary, the less was done for them, the more they did for themselves, and became richer." Do you agree or disagree with the following statement made by Benjamin Franklin?
.gif)
.gif)
