Reflections

 Reflections ____ I chanced to pass a window While walking through a mall With nothing much upon my mind,Quite blank as I recall.I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,And why he looked so cranky I didn't understand.Just why he looked at ME that way Was more than I could see Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!

Exspess Lane

was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?  

Thanks Dad

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card

Solution To Obamacare

The Perfect Solution to Obama Care___ While discussing the upcoming Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found

 the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.A new hip? Unheard of. We simply cant afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes,heart problems, etc. Lets take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon. So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung,heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax. I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!! 

Man-Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!  Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.  Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.  Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.  Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving,  but open to meeting new people.  After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.   THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN    Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, Ruled by Nuts.

Creation Of Ohio

 Creation of Ohio......                                                                                        
 Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.""Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.  God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.  Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, " What's that one?""Ah," said God.  "That's Ohio , the most glorious place on earth.  There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.  They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"  God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Michigan, Indiana, West Virginia, Pennsylvania and Kentucky! Only someone who has grown up in Ohio would forward this e-mail!! GO BUCKEYES

Would You Do It

  would you do if for every moment you were truly happy there would be 10 moments of sadness? What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? So, I just wanted to say,even if I never talk to you again in my life,you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.i look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you.Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them,and tell new friends you never will.Remember,everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will.In times of trouble,In times of need,If you are feeling SAD,You can count on me.I will give you a wink,Until you smile,give you a hug,And stand by your side.I'll be there for you till the end, I'll always and forever, be your friend!

You Know Your From Arkansas

ou know you're from Arkansas if:---------------------------. "How 'bout them Hogs" is a common phrase around your house.----------. Everyone you know has been on a "Float Trip."-------------. "Vacation" means driving to Hot Springs or maybe even Branson.----------. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years AFTER they were popular. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles. For example,"Well, Conway 's only 20 minutes away."----------. Up North to you means Missouri--------- The phrase "I'm going to the Lake this weekend" only means one thing.--------------You know several people who have hit a deer.-------------- Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

 Your school classes were canceled because of heat.---------- You instinctively ask someone you've just met, "What High School did you go to?"-------. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.---------- You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better.-------------- You see people wear bib overalls at funnerl--------- You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.---------. You know in your heart that Arkansas can beat Texas in football.

 You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition.---------Example: "Where's my coat at?"----------19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,

vegetable, animal or grain.------------- You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.------- You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, catfish,and sweet tea-----------. You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else should----------. You went to skating parties as a kid.--------. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ranch and ketchup.---------- You eat dinner at noon and supper at night.-------------. The local paper covers national and international headlines in one column, but requires six pages for sports.--------- You think I-40 is spelled and pronounced "ah fahty."---------- You'll pay for your kids way through college unless they want to go to UT.--------------You think that "deer season" is a National Holiday.---------------You know that you can't get anywhere without going through Little Rock first.

 You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm.---------You know what time to be home for curfew -- not because of the law,but because of the mosquitos!------------You've said, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity."--------- You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer,---------and Football.---------------- You know if another Arkansan is from the Ozarks, Northern,Central, or Southern part of AR as soon as they open their mouth.

You failed world geography in school because you thought Paris London , Bismark & Nashville were cities in Arkansas (& they are)!--------- You think a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.------------ You know what "Wooooo Pig Sooie!" means.----------You actually get this and forward it to all your Arkansas friends. 

Remember When

 Remember when.... Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days. The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books. But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then. We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day. Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day. Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then. We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we older folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Rain

  Rain by Thomas Kincaid_______... One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick.Suddenly, my daughter, Aspen ,spoke up from her relaxed position in her seat. "Dad, I'm thinking of something."This announcement usually meant she had been pondering some fact for a while, and was now ready to expound all that her six-year-old mind had discovered. I was eager to hear."What are you thinking?" I asked."The rain!" she began, "is like sin, and the windshield wipers are like God wiping our sins away."After the chill bumps raced up my arms I was able to respond."That's really good, Aspen."Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little girl take this revelation? So I asked... "Do you notice how the rain keeps on coming? What does that tell you?"Aspen didn't hesitate one moment with her answer:"We keep on sinning, and God just keeps on forgiving us."I will always remember this whenever I turn my wipers on.    

I Don't Hate The Rich

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been pA very self-important______ college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing..."and," pausing to take another drink of beer... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them.Now, you arrogant little shit head, what are you doing for the next generation?"

ersecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA ..We like it the way it is! If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.I think it's good..... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.I believe the president of the United States should put his hand over his heart and say the pledge of allegiance and should have no reservations about wearing American flag pins on his lapel.I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. Get a Job and do your part! I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes  parents.I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA ! 

Yes I,m A Bad American

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN____________I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare. I am an American.I am a Master Mason and believe in God.I ride Harleys Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican! I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way! I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer; it makes you a smart American.I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it! I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and Willie G Davidson that makes the Awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles.I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA .We like it the way it is! If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.I think it's good..... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.I believe the president of the United States should put his hand over his heart and say the pledge of allegiance and should have no reservations about wearing American flag pins on his lapel.I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. Get a Job and do your part! I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes  parents.I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA ! If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm 

A Young Woman

A young woman_____was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Rules For 2015

Rules for 2015_____________ New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com !  There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.  Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.    New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. It cost less than a dollar.  What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?  New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water.  There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.  Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.  You want flavored water?  Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.  That's your flavored water. New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.  And the top is now the bottom.  And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.  If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat ice    vanilla,double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule : I'm not the cashier!  By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.  New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.  It's right above the crack of your ass.  And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.'  The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.  You're not spiritual.  You're just high.  New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.  ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting???  Oh wait!? They're already doing that.  It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.' New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.  New Rule : No more gift registries.  You know, it used to be just for weddings.  Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.  Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.  New Rule : and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.  After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.  I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.  I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.  I just want to wash my hands. New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. 'He's two,' will do just fine.  He's not a cheese.  And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.  If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?

Zen Sarcasm

Zen Sarcasm_____1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it. 4. Dont be irreplaceable. If you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.5. Always remember that youre unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.7. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments.8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, youre a mile away and you have their shoes.9. If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.11.If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.12. If you tell the truth, you dont have to remember anything.13. Some days youre the bug; some days youre the windshield.14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.17. Duct tape is like The Force It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.19. Generally speaking, you arent learning much when your lips are moving.20. Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night 

Winter In Kentucky

 It's winter here in KENTUCKY  And the gentle breezes blow Seventy miles an hour At thirty-five below. Oh, how I love KENTUCKY When the snow's up to your butt You take a breath of winter And your nose gets frozen shut.   Yes, the weather here is wonderful So I guess I'll hang around I could never leave KENTUCKY I'm frozen to the ground! 

Amen Andy Rooney

" AMEN ANDY ROONEY"_________ ! Right on, Andy Rooney! Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few years back: I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE? I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry a-- if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries! I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL! It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having"In God We Trust" on our money and having"God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to Shut Up and BE QUIET!!!  

A Truck Driver

a truck driver_____was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

the boy and the sundae

many years ago, a 10-year-old boy walked up to the counter of a soda shop and climbed onto a stool. he caught the eye of the waitress and asked, “how much is an ice cream sundae?”
“fifty cents,” the waitress replied. the boy reached into his pockets, pulled out a handful of change, and began counting. the waitress frowned impatiently. after all, she had other customers to wait on.
the boy squinted up at the waitress. “how much is a dish of plain ice cream?” he asked. the waitress sighed and rolled her eyes. “thirty-five cents,” she said with a note of irritation.
again, the boy counted his coins. at last, he said, “i’ll have the plain ice cream, please.” he put a quarter and two nickels on the counter. the waitress took the coins, brought the ice cream, and walked away.
about ten minutes later, she returned and found the ice cream dish empty. the boy was gone. she picked up the empty dish—then swallowed hard.
there on the counter, next to the wet spot where the dish had been, were two nickels and five pennies. the boy had had enough for a sundae, but he had ordered plain ice cream so he could leave her a tip.

SUSIE

Susie goes home from school and tells her mom
that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels
because she's very good at them "Mom
said: "YOU should say NO - they only want to
look at your undies susie
said: "I know they do that's why I hide them in
my backpack

lynn

good morning

Observations on Growing Older_____ It's harder to tell navy from black! Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around! Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them! ..but your grandchildren are perfect! Going out is good. Coming home is better! When people say you look "Great"...they add "for your age"! When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything...movies, hotels ...flights.You forget names....but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth! The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.You realize you're never going to be really good at anything...especially golf.Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't are to do them anymore.Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed.  It's called his "pre-sleep"Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married. Now,  "I hope they STAY married!"The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom...you have his full attention. You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem, were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.You use more 4 letter words..."what?"..."when?" ??? Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.  ...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've already read it.

Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.Your concealer doesn't conceal.Your lipstick bleeds.Your mascara clumps and your eyebrows are disappearing.You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs but your chin needs to be plucked daily! What used to be freckles are now liver spots.Everybody whispers.Now that your husband has retired ...you'd give anything if he'd find a job! You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ....2 of which  you will never wear.But old is good in some things:   ...old songs  ...old movies and best of all ..................OLD FRIENDS! 

climb

moom dancer

discovery

The Cop

The cop________got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A Woman

 A woman_________walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked." Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. How can you tell them apart? He responded,"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Smith Climbs

Smith climbs_______to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking  up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean? The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you? The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

How To Avoid The Swine

How To Avoid The Swine______ Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day.. Go for a swim.. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, Keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.Get plenty of rest. OR Take the doctor's approach..Think about it...When you go for a flu shot,what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol... Why ??? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.. So...... I walk to the liquor store. (exercise) I put lime in my lager ...(fruit) Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air) Tell jokes,ugh....(eliminate stress) Then pass out. (rest) The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up Flu germs Can't get you! My grandmother always said... 'A shot in the glass Is better than one in the ass!' Live Well and Laugh Often !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies_____ are outside their nursing home,  having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.  One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off  the end, puts it over  her cigarette, and continues smoking.  Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't  get wet. Maude: Where did you get it?  Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and  announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of  condoms.  The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her  kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a  Camel." 

Scenario

 Scenario:______ You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer:Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk!!!!   

I Dialed A Number

 I dialed a number____ and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."_____ At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,"Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of Take offs_____Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake.""No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking_____ Aspire to inspire before you expire. _____My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to Use mine._____As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."_____ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses._____Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting._____The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere._____I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.      

A Man Is Dining

A man is dining______ in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said,you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? No, she replied,You just happened to catch my eye.

A Lady Wrote

A lady wrote_____ to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'

A Hungry Lion

A hungry lion______ was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book;_____ the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

Chess Enthusiasts

A group of chess enthusiasts_____ checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why?they asked as they moved along.Because,said the manager, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.