Thursday, May 28, 2009

Husband And Wife

There was a husband and his wife_____ sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Two Old Women

Two old women_____ were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"

A Guy




A guy_____got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her. "Do you by any chance have todays paper?"The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

Two Guys


Two guys_____are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass? The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.And I said, "No shit."

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Old Man

Old Man_____.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end."We're not coming out until you leave!"The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."Old men can still think fast. 

Kentucky Hotel

Kentucky hotel_____How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead." 

A couple

A couple_____ had been married for 50 years.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.''I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.''Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Guess

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"______ on it.  So I said "Implants?" She hit me._____   How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?_____ A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"_____ Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference._____ Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!_____ Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?_____ Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?_____ Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"

Hillibilly Fight

Hillibilly Fight______There were two backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. Cletis hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Army Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Cletis was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whup Clarence.He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whup Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 6 IN" 

A Woman

A woman_____ sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman, "Use more soap on panties."This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with, "Use more paper on ass." 

A Passenger In A Taxi




A passenger in a taxi_____ tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a  few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of  me."The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!

A Burglar

A burglar_____ broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.' 

Artists Of The 60's

Some of the artists of the 60's_____ are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo"as if it  were yesterday. They include:..... Bobby Darin ---  Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash  Herman's Hermits ---  Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker , Ringo Starr  --- I Get By With A Little Help From Depends,  The Bee Gees  ---  How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?,  Roberta Flack  ---The First time ever I forgot Your Face , Johnny Nash ---   I Can't See Clearly Now.  Paul Simon ---  Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver,  The Commodores  ---  Once, Twice, Three Times To the Bathroom,  Procol Harem ---  A Whiter Shade Of Hair,  Leo Sayer  --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping , The Temptations ---Papa's Got A Kidney Stone,  Tony Orlando ---  Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall, Helen Reddy  ---  I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore, Leslie Gore ---  It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To . And Last but NOT least... Willie Nelson  --- On the Commode Again 

KFC Update

KFC UPDATE!!!_____Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue? Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic? And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs? Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.Just keeping you up to date..... 

Computer Crash

   I was having trouble with my computer:_____ So i called Harold the computer guy,to come over.Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.As he was walking away,i called after him,"So,what was wrong?" He replied,"It was id ten error."I Didn't want to appear stupid,but nonetheless inquired,ten t error? Whats that..in case i need to fix it again?Harold grinned...."Haven't you ever heard pf an id ten t error before?"No i replied." he said,"and i think you'll figure it out."So I wrote down ID10T,"I used to like Harold.

A Perverted Burglar


  A perverted burglar_____ broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.___ Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery________ I remember the case not too long ago of the scientist that cloned himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for making an obscene clone fall._______ Two wrongs can make a riot._________   Unemployment is not working.___Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms.____ What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen______  What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates._______ What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.

The Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment_________A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece  


Man Has 6 Children

A man has six children_________ and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'His wife., irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."(RIGHT ON, LADY!)      

Husband Calls Maid



 Husband Calls Maid__________Husband calls home and the maid answers the phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs with her boyfriend." So, he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and shoot them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok.", 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?" 

Saturday, May 9, 2009

elvis presley

Old Man And The Dog

The Old Man and the Dog______ Watch out! You nearly broad sided that car! My father yelled at me.Cant you do anything right? Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasnt 
prepared for another battle. I saw the car, Dad. Please dont yell at me when Im driving.My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt. Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back.At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain.The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him? Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon .He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling 
lumberjack competitions,and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess. The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldnt lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever 
anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldnt do something he had done as a younger man. Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived. But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctors orders.Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults.The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left 
alone. My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was 
taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dads troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was 
silent. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it. The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered. In vain. Just when I was giving up hope, one of the 
voices suddenly exclaimed, I just  read something that might help you! Let me go get the article. I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given 
responsibility for a dog. I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted 
dogs; all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons; too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen  a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog worlds 
aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed.Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly. I pointed to the dog.Can you tell me about him? The officer 
looked, then shook his head in puzzlement. Hes a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow. He gestured helplessly. As the words sank in I turned to 
the man in horror. You mean youre going to kill him?Maam, he said gently, thats our policy. We dont have room for every unclaimed dog. I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. I'll take him, I said.I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me.When I reached the house I 
honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch. Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad! I said excitedly. Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I dont want it Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house. Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples.Youd better get used to him, Dad. Hes staying! Dad ignored me. Did you hear me, Dad? I screamed. At those words Dad whirled 
angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.Dads lower jaw trembled as he stared at 
the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal. It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne . Together he and Cheyenne explored the community.They spent long hours walking down 
dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet. Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dads bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne 
made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyennes cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my fathers room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during 
the night. Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dads bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dads peace of mind. The 
morning of Dads funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. Be not forgetful to entertain strangers.Ive often thanked God for sending that angel, he said. For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article...Cheyennes unexpected appearance at the animal shelter. . .his calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father. . .and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all. Life is too short for drama  petty things, so laugh hard,love truly and forgive quickly. Live While You Are Alive.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time. Lost time can never be found.