Lemon Squeeze___________There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 

Looks of Disappointment_________A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' 

Golf Balls______A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"  

Husband and wife______ had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever ""Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last!

Southwest airlines____________A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did.""Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time Have your Mom explain that to you."  

Martha_________ recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn he was in,She poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money! She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes she said.Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, l also bought it with the insurance money! Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said. Herman, remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said. Herman, remember that blow job l promised you?;Here it comes.....

A Kentucky State Trooper_______pulled a car over on I-65 about 2 miles south of Lebanon Junction. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to New Haven to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy from Elizabethtown , got out and watched the performance He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied, You might as well take my ass to jail, there no way in hell I can pass that test.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Sex on Mars____________ The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick."I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen."Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?""Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!""No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,his member grows until it's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.""No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?""I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?""It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.