A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he... dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused.Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients. Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night. Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.
Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her, "Who was that man?" he asked.The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered."No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life.""Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed. I came here tonight to find a Mr. William Grey. His Son was killed in Iraq today, and I was sent to inform him. What was this Gentleman's Name? " The nurse with tears in her eyes answered, "Mr. William Grey..."
The next time someone needs you . just be there.
THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.HIS MOTHER
SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
A Daughter's Last Gift Turns Her Struggling Family Into New Millionaires
By Bryan Llenas Published May 17, 2013 Fox News Latino
Savannah Cerezo, 14, who died in August 2012. The glass cookie jar Savannah bought for her mother and where the $4.8 million lotto ticket was found.
The Cerezo family hasn't been facing the best of times.Their house has been in foreclosure since February and they were months away from eviction.Their cars were repossessed.Their jewelry gone, sold to the highest bidder.Ricardo Cerezo, the 44-year-old head of household, quit his job in management consulting in 2010 to take care of his daughter, Savannah, who had to stay home with severe bipolar disorder. A professional in helping companies in distress, he painstakingly took her to and from medical appointments and trips to the hospital. But 14-year-old Savannah died last August. Brain-dead, her parents pulled her off life support after suffering four-and-a-half hours of seizures.
One of Savannah's last gifts to her parents was a glass cookie jar. And one of her last requests, seeing their financial struggles, was urging them to never stop playing the lottery. "Savannah was the only one that encouraged us to play," he told Fox News Latino. "Everyone at home thought it was a waste of time given that we needed every penny."The father played when he could and saved old lottery tickets - they never won anything - in that glass cookie jar. This week, nine months after Savannah's death, Ricardo and his wife, Bonnie, were doing some kitchen cleaning and she asked him to finally do something about three months' worth of old tickets filling up the jar.Do something with them, she asked him. So instead of throwing them out, he decided to actually check if one of the tickets had winning numbers.Did it ever.Ricardo took the 11 tickets stashed in the cookie jar to the 7-Eleven where he had bought them. The first eight out of the nine tickets came up empty. The next ticket was a winner - $3. But the last ticket, a Quick Pix, alerted Cerezo that he needed to file a claim, which means the ticket was worth $600 or more.As it turns out, it was worth nearly $5 million. It'll be spread out in annual payments of $100,000 for 26 years and paid on each February, coincidentally Savannah's birthday month.Ricardo Cerezo had no doubt - it was all Savannah's divine doing."She kept insisting that somehow she was going to pay us back," he said. "She kept her promise."The turn of events has dramatically impacted the Cerezos.Now they'll be able to keep their home - they hadn't touched Savannah's room, except for adding an urn with her ashes.
It was in that very room where Ricardo cried for losing his daughter and where he prayed that life would get better for his family."Dear lord, please just don't take away this room," he said he prayed. "We had lost everything we had. The room was the last thing we had of her existence."Little did we know the answer was downstairs the whole time," Ricardo said, in a nondescript glass cookie jar filled with old papers.Beyond being able to pay the house off and return to a normal life at home, now the Cerezos won't have to worry about how to afford to pay for college for their two other children.They also pledged to contribute to their church - where they sought consolation while grieving Savannah's death -and other charities. They will also look to fund organizations, or start an organization of their own, that will conduct research into mental health, given their daughter's deadly bout with bipolar disorder."Every now, and then we can find the joy in the win itself," Ricardo said. "We are very happy that we have some financial peace. But there is no real jumping for joy." But even with the unexpected economic turnaround at home, Ricardo Cerezo noted he's not about to forget what making it through hard work is all about.Come Monday, he'll report to work just like any other day.
The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination. When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?' I work until beer o'clock.When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. Nothing is work unless you'd rather be doing something else. Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you're just sitting still? It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work. Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all. I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.There is a vast world of work out there in this country, where at least 111 million people are employed in this country alone - many of whom are bored out of their minds. All day long.When people go to work, they shouldn't have to leave their hearts at home. Nothing will work unless you do. Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work. To find joy in work is to discover the fountain of youth. As I understand it, sport is hard work for which you do not get paid. Every noble work is at first impossible. Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits. When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doin. Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work. There are one hundred men seeking security to one able man who is willing to risk his fortune. We work to become, not to acquire. The best preparation for good work tomorrow is to do good work today.Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing. Nobody can be successful unless he loves his work. Nothing ever comes to one, that is worth having, except as a result of hard work.Ya gots to work with what you gots to work with. The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor.There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there. The man who wins is the average man, Not built on any particular plan; Not blessed with any particular luck ??“ Just steady and earnest and full of pluck. The man who wins is the man who works, Who neither labor nor trouble shirks; Who uses his hands,When your work speaks for itself, don???t interrupt. Happiness lies not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort. The joy and moral stimulation of work no longer must be forgotten in the mad chase of evanescent profits.
Let every man be occupied, and occupied in the highest employment of which his nature is capable, and die with the consciousness that he has done his best. When I feel bad, I work. When I have problems, when I'm depressed, when I'm bored with life, I sit down to my work. There are probably other prescriptions, but I don't know them. Or they don't work for me. You want my advice -- here it is Go and work. Thank God that people like you and me need only paper and pencil to work. Individual commitment to a group effort, that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work. Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy. I'm tired of hearing it said that democracy doesn't work. Of course it doesn't work. We are supposed to work it. If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. No man is born into the world whose work Is not born with him. There is always work, And tools to work with for those who will; And blessed are the horny hands of toil. I find that a man is as old as his work. If his work keeps him from moving forward, he will look forward with the work. If we work upon marble, it will perish if we work upon brass, time will efface it if we rear temples, they will crumble into dust but if we work upon immortal minds and instill into them just principles, we are then engraving that upon tablets which no time will efface, but will brighten and brighten to all eternity. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. Do your work not just your work and no more, but a little more for the lavishings sake--that little more which is worth all the rest.You must work--- we must all work To make the world worthy of its children. Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing. I don't like work... but I like what is in work -- the chance to find yourself. Your own reality -- for yourself, not for others -- which no other man can ever know. For one human being to love another that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. People might not get all they work for in this world, but they must certainly work for all they get. Every now and then go away and have a little relaxation. To remain constantly at work will diminish your judgment. Go some distance away, because work will be in perspective and a lack of harmony is more readily seen. You must keep sending work out you must never let a manuscript do nothing but eat its head off in a drawer. You send that work out again and again, while you're working on another one. If you have talent, you will receive some measure of success - but only if you persist. Computers shouldn't be unusable. You don't need to know how to work a telephone switch to make a phone call, or how to use the Hoover Dam to take a shower, or how to work a nuclear-power plant to turn on the lights. What would it be like if you lived each day, each breath, as a work of art in progress Imagine that you are a Masterpiece unfolding, every second of every day, a work of art taking form with every breath. Rowing is a sport for dreamers. As long as you put in the work, you can own the dream. When the work stops, the dream dissapears. Nobody's a natural. You work hard to get good and then work to get better. It's hard to stay on top. When work is a pleasure, life is a joy When work is a duty, life is slavery. The best preparation for good work tomorrow is to do good work today. I watched a small man with thick calluses on both hands work 15 and 16 hours a day. I saw him once literally bleed from the bottoms of his feet, a man who came here uneducated, alone, unable to speak the language, who taught me all I needed to know about faith and hard work by the simple eloquence of his example. There are two kinds of companies, those that work to try to charge more and those that work to charge less. We will be the second. Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. I feel that you are justified in looking into the future with true assurance, because you have a mode of living in which we find the joy of life and the joy of work harmoniously combined. Added to this is the spirit of ambition which pervades your very being, and seems to make the day's work like a happy child at play. (referring to America) The most important motive for work in school and in life is pleasure in work, pleasure in its result, and the knowledge of the value of the result to the community. It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours. The artist belongs to his work, not the work to the artist. More men die of worry than of work, because more men worry than work. It is one thing to decry the rat race...that is the good and honorable work of moralists. It is quite another thing to quit the rat race, to drop out, to refuse to run any further--that is the work of the individualist. It is offensive because it is impolite it makes the rebuke personal the individualist calls not his or her behavior into question, but mine. What I still ask for daily - for life as long as I have work to do, and work as long as I have life. Earlier people used to switch on TV's after getting bored with their routine work. Now they switch on to routine work after getting bored with TV. Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. If you can laugh together, you can work together. ...in order that a man may be happy, it is necessary that he should not only be capable of his work, but a good judge of his work. We are weighed down, every moment, by the conception and the sensation of Time. And there are but two means of escaping and forgetting this nightmare: pleasure and work. Pleasure consumes us. Work strengthens us. Let us choose. The man who does not work for the love of work but only for money is not likely to make money nor find much fun in life. People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art. You cannot be really first-rate at your work if your work is all you are. By the work one knows the workmen. Work is victory. It is broke. It will not work. It does not go. An honest man is the noblest work of God. It is the quality of our work which will please God and not the quantity. Author Unkown
In today's farming we use Tractors and combines and such. But in the old days they used Ox and a yoke around its neck. When the Ox was small they would put a yoke on its neck and it grew up with it. So the Ox didn't know anything different. The yoke was to drive the animal. The Ox was hooked to a plow in order to turn over the soil and to bring the fresh dirt on top and the hard dirt was turned under. So now this was second nature to the animal. So now in our kids' lives this sin which is their yoke is also their second nature. Satan starts in our kids' lives to put things on them like a yoke. When they are introduced to just minor sin when they are young they become numb to it in time, just like the Ox didn't even think twice about the pain staking yoke that was grown around its neck. When we are not sensitive to evil it creeps in and drives us like a yoke around the Ox's neck. Just something to think about.................
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly."Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
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Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass? The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.And I said, "No shit."
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her. "Do you by any chance have todays paper?"The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman, "Use more soap on panties."This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with, "Use more paper on ass."
Hollywood Squares If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can ' t Get Enough " ? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
SO WHAT IF I'M OLDER
As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.
I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).
Cussing
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Golf Balls
A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Telephone Company
Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer. "Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said. Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was the answer. "Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?" "Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground."
Blonde Ironing
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidently picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”
“Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed, “but what happened to your other ear?”
“The SOB called back!!”
Husband Calls Maid
Husband calls home and the maid answers the phone.He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs with her boyfriend." So, he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and shoot them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok.", 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
'' Why We Love Children''
1) NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY:A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.'It sure is,' I replied.Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY:Wh '' Why We Love Children''
1) NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY:A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.'It sure is,' I replied.Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY:While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?''You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' 11) BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.'What have you got there, dear?'With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear!' ile working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?''You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.'What have you got there, dear?'With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear!'
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