A young guy from North Carolina______ moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing
"A young man______ with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
An elderly man in Oklahoma______ calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME_________According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known....ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! lynn
Don't eat chicken sandwiches,______A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.''Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right.You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wilma and her husband Barney_____ go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
A police officer_____called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Truly Blonde_____A blond has become dreadfully overweight. She goes to the doctor and he decides to put her on a diet. "I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you'll probbaly be 5 pounds lighter." The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she lost 20 pounds. "That's amazing!" Said the doctor, "and you followed my instructions?" The blond nodds, tiredly. "I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" Asked her doctor. "No, silly, from the skipping!"
A new blonde stewardess_____ began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms. The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!" “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
A manager_____ walks by his blonde secretary's desk when he notices she is crying her eyes out. Concerned for her well being, he asked her gently: "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my aunt had passed away.” The boss, feeling very sorry for her, suggests to the young girl. “Why don’t you take a day, go home and rest. We're not very busy, so just take this time for yourself. The blonde very calmly replies “No, I’d be better off here. It's good to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.” The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything just let me know.” Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, “What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?” “No”, exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that HER aunt died too!”
Fresh from my shower_____ I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds" Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts."How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your ass, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw
The Special Therapist___________An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all.... Medicare pays $43 of it.'
The Physical Examination________70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend__________ to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?""Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!" A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
The Farmer's Interview (Adult)___________In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter. This “TRUE” interview went as follows: The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?” The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?” Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?” Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?” Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?”
The Simplest Explanation_________A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously. "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation! "Well what is it?" Fumed Pete. "She never got your E-mail!"
The Typewriter______A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
The Milking Gear (Adult).......A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
The Rain______A man goes into the confession booth at the church. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned.""What is your sin, my son?" Asks the priest.
"Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn't let up. After some time me and the librarian lost our patience and... well.. partied all night, if you catch my drift.""That is bad but not horrible, my son," Said the priest, "if it is a one-time slip, God will forgive you.""That's just the thing," said the man, "about a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and... well.. you know, all night long."The priest remains silent. The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, "what should I do now, father?""What should you DO??" Screamed the priest, "You should get out of here right now before it rains!"
OLD IS WHEN_________ :1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.______2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along_______3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today._______4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot .5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee
How about some 'ASSICONS?________' Here goes:______ (_!_) a regular ass_____ (__!__) a fat ass_____ (!) a tight ass____ (_*_) an ass hole_____ {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around____ (_x_) kiss my ass_____ (_X_) leave my ass alone____ (_zzz_) a tired ass_____ (_E=mc2_) a smart ass___ (_$_) Money coming out of his ass___ (_?_) Dumb Ass
Catholic Dog__________Muldoon lived alone in the Irish country side with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Confession__________An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Brothel Trip_____An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Senility_______An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Pest Control________A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 'Who are you?' he asked him.. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.
Marriage Humour____________Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour. Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
Men Are Just Happier People:__________NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT_______When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!
MONEY_________A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS__________A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS___________A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE_______A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE________A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP___________A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL_________Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING______Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY_________A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Wife :________ Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Stress Reliever________Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Son:__________ 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man ________asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?''Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
A wife asked her husband:___ 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'your sense of humour!'
Husbands are husbands___A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Husband Calls Maid__________Husband calls home and the maid answers the phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs with her boyfriend." So, he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and shoot them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok.", 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
A man has six children_________ and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'His wife., irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
The Silent Treatment_________A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
A perverted burglar_____ broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.___ Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery________ I remember the case not too long ago of the scientist that cloned himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for making an obscene clone fall._______ Two wrongs can make a riot._________ Unemployment is not working.___Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms.____ What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen______ What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates._______ What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.
I was having trouble with my computer:_____ So i called Harold the computer guy,to come over.Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.As he was walking away,i called after him,"So,what was wrong?" He replied,"It was id ten error."I Didn't want to appear stupid,but nonetheless inquired,ten t error? Whats that..in case i need to fix it again?Harold grinned...."Haven't you ever heard pf an id ten t error before?"No i replied." he said,"and i think you'll figure it out."So I wrote down ID10T,"I used to like Harold.
KFC UPDATE!!!_____Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue? Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic? And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs? Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.Just keeping you up to date.....
Some of the artists of the 60's_____ are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo"as if it were yesterday. They include:..... Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker , Ringo Starr --- I Get By With A Little Help From Depends, The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?, Roberta Flack ---The First time ever I forgot Your Face , Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now. Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver, The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times To the Bathroom, Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade Of Hair, Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping , The Temptations ---Papa's Got A Kidney Stone, Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall, Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore, Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To . And Last but NOT least... Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
A burglar_____ broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A passenger in a taxi_____ tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!
A woman_____ sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman, "Use more soap on panties."This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with, "Use more paper on ass."
Kentucky hotel_____How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
Hillibilly Fight______There were two backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. Cletis hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Army Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Cletis was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whup Clarence.He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whup Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 6 IN"
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"______ on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me._____ How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?_____ A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"_____ Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference._____ Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!_____ Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?_____ Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?_____ Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"
A couple_____ had been married for 50 years.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.''I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.''Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
Old Man_____.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end."We're not coming out until you leave!"The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."Old men can still think fast.
Two guys_____are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass? The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.And I said, "No shit."
A guy_____got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her. "Do you by any chance have todays paper?"The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."
Two old women_____ were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"
There was a husband and his wife_____ sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
A woman_____sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman, "Use more soap on panties."This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with, "Use more paper on ass."
Blonde Ironing_____A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidently picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed, "but what happened to your other ear?" "The SOB called back!!"
Visiting the Zoo_______A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks" Are you hurt?" She replies. Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn't called! He hasn't written!
Truck Driver______This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes." The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb twit, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen......"
Dirty Johnny smoking_____A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything. The guy says, "How old are you?" Johnny says, "Six." The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?" Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid." The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?" Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."
2 Rednecks______Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?" asked Bubba."Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?""No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
The Sheriff______One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay herself on the hay and said, 'Okay Billy-Bob, let's go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here."
Telephone Company______Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer. "Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said. Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was the answer. "Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?" "Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground."
50 years______After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, Honey, 50 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things. My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crises...
PINK WEENIE______ A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about? Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the couple. Because Im the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. Theyre just three Kentucky coal miners,and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.
Three mischievous grandmas______were sitting on a bench outside a Nursing home. About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old Fools."One of the ornery grandma's said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under drawers and we can tell your exact age."Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,"You're 84 years old!""How in the world did you guess?!?" The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,"Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.
Two fish_____ swim into a concrete wall.One turns to the other and says dam._____ Two wrongs can make a riot._____ Unemployment is not working_____
.Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms._____ What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen._____ What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates._____ What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.
A man walked into a bar_____ and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. Does your dog bite? he asked. No. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. I thought you said your dog doesn't bite! he said indignantly. The other guy replied, That's not my dog.____A skeleton walks into a bar and says,Gimme a beer, and a mop.___ Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him. He's laying on the floor and moans,Why do you let the bartender do it? Because he has a liquor license! I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
Robot Bartender______A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked,"Sir, what will you have?"The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"The man answered "oh, about 164."The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity','inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break through, etc.......The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Dallas Cowboys, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,"A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? h-a-p-p-y? w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????
Woman:_____ Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.Woman: Oh, I see.Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
Southern Thinking_____Georgia:_________The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% , how much would you take off?' the secretary thought a moment, and then replied,'Every thing but my earrings.'_____Alabama:__________A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked. 'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.' You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired. 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'______Louisiana___________A senior at LSU was overheard saying , 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world._____________
Mississippi___________The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? 'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'________________
Tennessee___________ A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. the trooper asked, 'Got any ID?' The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
Arkansas___________: A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the s ide of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.' The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.'_____And my favorite: You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...
One night,______ as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'The husband, rejected, turns over.A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Two old guys______ Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart When they collide.The first old guy says to the second guy,'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,And I guess I wasn't paying attention To where I was going. The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.I'm looking for my wife, too.'I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'The first old guy says, 'Well,Maybe I can help you find her...What does she look like?'' The second old guy says,'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,With red hair,Blue eyes,Long legs,And is wearing short shorts.What does your wife look like?' To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,--- let's look for your
''last breath''______John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully." Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob.""But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
A cannibal______ was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu..+ Tourist: $5 + Broiled Missionary:$10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00 + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician? The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit
"highway patrolmans ball''__________A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left
''larrys bar''_______ A man goes to a shrink---- and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"-
''the Rabbi''___________A man goes to see the Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"the man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied," Take the poison."
Three friends_____________from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Some old, some new, most of them funny_________My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't ____-Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering _______-For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8.Worn once by mistake______There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.______ Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car_______The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job."Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?""Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times._________"An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation,"I now pronounce you man and wife______ It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same._____________I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be g great if that happened more often?________- Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.______ The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make e a living under the laws they've passed.______All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card._______Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea
A guy walks into a bar_______ with jumper cables. The bartender says,You can come in, but don't start anything!_____ This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.Four bucks, says the bartender. Put it on my bill._____ A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw._____ A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road.
My first job______ was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate._____ Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe._____ After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow._____Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting._____ I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.____ I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard._____ My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy._______ I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience._____ Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.____ I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.____I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.___ I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.____ My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind._____ After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
A group of chess enthusiasts_____ checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why?they asked as they moved along.Because,said the manager, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
A hungry lion______ was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book;_____ the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
A lady wrote_____ to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'
A man is dining______ in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said,you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? No, she replied,You just happened to catch my eye.
I dialed a number____ and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."_____ At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,"Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of Take offs_____Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake.""No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking_____ Aspire to inspire before you expire. _____My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to Use mine._____As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."_____ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses._____Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting._____The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere._____I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Scenario:______ You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer:Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk!!!!
Two old ladies_____ are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
How To Avoid The Swine______ Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day.. Go for a swim.. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, Keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.Get plenty of rest. OR Take the doctor's approach..Think about it...When you go for a flu shot,what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol... Why ??? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.. So...... I walk to the liquor store. (exercise) I put lime in my lager ...(fruit) Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air) Tell jokes,ugh....(eliminate stress) Then pass out. (rest) The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up Flu germs Can't get you! My grandmother always said... 'A shot in the glass Is better than one in the ass!' Live Well and Laugh Often !
Smith climbs_______to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean? The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you? The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
A woman_________walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked." Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. How can you tell them apart? He responded,"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
The cop________got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
a truck driver_____was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A young woman_____was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
Men Never Listen_______In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist..He pushed WW.warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.What a nice feeling, he thought Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him."What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.Your penis is under your pillow."
NUDIST COLONY"_______A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man."No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.you haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 69 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"
A man is dining______ in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said,you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? No, she replied,You just happened to catch my eye.
Texas Preacher__________The new preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" "No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you." So she said come right on in. He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was ConwayTwitty. Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. Conway Twitty!"And the preacher said..........." Hello, Darlin!!
Catholic Horse.. __________ One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on he horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!" The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites."
Should Children Witness Childbirth?___________Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his butt again."
That's Life!________Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.Married 42 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 42 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20 year old. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 20 year old blond to sleep with, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and not have anything nicer than a 10 inch black and white TV.
A woman, in her fifties,_______is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 54 year-old ass?"
THE BOX UNDER THE BED_____________When Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box,she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner,Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box? Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
THE FROG_________there was this yellow toad hopping down a path in the woods. He was feeling really sick and had such a terrible cough he though he might croak. Anyway, he came upon a man who, it turns out, was a doctor. He diagnosed the frogs illness right away, but, alas, he found he was not carrying the medicine with him that the frog required. The doctor pointed down the path toward a distant hill. Toad he said, if you can hop down past that hill you will find a village where my office is located. Take this prescription with you and tell the druggist to give you what you need. The toad thanked the doctor and started on his journey A few hours later, the doctor came upon a bunny , hopping through the woods. And how are you today, Mr. Rabbit? said the doctor. Not so good, came the reply. I hopped on a thorn a few miles back and my foot is starting to swell.The doctor looked at the rabbit's limb and applied a temporary bandage. You need to see my nurse who will give you a better dressing and make you well again. Oh thank you! said the rabbit. Which way do I go to find your office? With that, the doctor point toward the distant hill and said Follow the yellow sick toad.
Three blondes (natural) died_________ and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when Judas betrayed him, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.St. Peter said, "Hmmmmm, verrrrrry good."Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted..
MARRIED LIFE______A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, Honey, I'll be right back.Where are you going, Coochy Coo? asked the wife. I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face, he answered. I'm going to have a beer. he wife said, You want a beer, my love? She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses...He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face? She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors doeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK? You want hors doeuvres, Poochie Pooh? She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS DOEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER! GOT IT, JACKASS? and....they lived happily ever after. Now isn't that a sweet story?
Two guys_________ are sittin' in a boat on a lake fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Tom says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."Tony sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find
An Irishman______ goes to confession in St. Patricks Catholic Church. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month The priest tells the sinner, You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys. Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. Ive had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.This time the priest questions, Who is Nookie Green? A new woman in the neighborhood, the sinner replies.Very well,sighs the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys. At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, Is that Nookie Green? The bug-eyed altar boy cant believe his ears but replies, No, I think its just the reflection off her shoes!
After being married for 50 years,_________ I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, Honey, 50 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things. My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crises...
A man has six children_______ and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
The Silent Treatment__________ A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Husband (a doctor) and his wife______ are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
Husband and wife_____ had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever ""Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
PHYSICAL EXAM______ An eighty-three year old lady Finished her annual physical examination Whereupon the doctor said,"You are in fine shape for your age, But tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute, I'll have to ask My husband," she said. She went out to the reception room And said: "Bob do we still have Intercourse?" Bob answered impatiently,"If I told you once, I told you a thousand times...We have Blue Cross
Two antennas_____ met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent._____Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.Is it common?Well, It's Not Unusual..
Because they had no reservations_____ at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."They were seated immediately.
Cardiologist's Funeral____A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'The proctologist fainted.
THE OLDER CROWD_____ A distraught senior citizen Phoned her doctor's office.'Is it true,' she wanted to know,'that the medication You prescribed has to be taken For the rest of my life?''Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.There was a moment of silence Before the senior lady replied,I'm wondering, then,Just how serious is my condition Because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches_____ Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker? A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again._____ Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car._________ Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name_____ Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy._____Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually searchs for a golf ball______ Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!_____ Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it!_____ Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone._____Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?A. They both like a tight seal._____Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration.______ Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'? A. About three inches._____ Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip.______ Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard._____ Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife? A: 45 pounds.
A passenger_______ in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!
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The madam_______ opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties..May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.Where are you from?' The man replied, ' Ontario .''Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .''I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney.She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'The moral of the story is that there are three things in life are certain:-Death, Taxes, and being screwed by a lawyer.
Hillbilly Birth,______ Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Stuttering Cat_____as explained by a grade 4 student...A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty who stuttered."The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories can be, asked the girl to describe the incident."Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!""That must have been scary", said the teacher."It sure was", said the girl. "My kitty raised her back, went `Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!', but before she could say `Fuck!', the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room.
Just my luck_____ just my luck I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. I said, "No" - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night". I Went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?
1. Men are like Laxatives They irritate the crap out of you._____2 Men are like.Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are._______3... Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them._____4.Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why..______5.Men are like Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips._____6. Men are like Commercials You can't believe a word they say.________7.Men are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off! ____________8.Men are like Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature.____9.Men are like Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion._____10.Men are like Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while._____11.Men are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last._____12.Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.______13..Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT______Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and grits, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says Kin ya swallar? The woman shakes her head no.Kin ya breathe? The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his seat. His partner says, Ya know, Id heerd bout that there Hind Lick Manuver but I aint never seed nobody do it
The Polite way to Pee_______During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Robert, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?''I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'the teacher fainted...
Wooden Leg Insurance_____ A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri, from Texas . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas, it cost them $2,000 per year! When they arrived in Missouri, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas! The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'
A woman is in the hospital_____ giving birth, and She's up on the stirrups. All of a sudden, the baby's head pops out and looks up at the nurse. Are you my daddy? Asks the baby head. Shocked, the nurse replies concerned, Uh, no, I'm not your dad, Ill run and go get him! With this, the baby's head turns to the doctor and says, Are you my daddy? My goodness no! But the nurse is going to get him, he will be here any minute. Finally, the father comes into the room and the baby sees him and says, Are you my daddy? To which the shocked father goes up close to the baby's head and says,Yes, son, I'm your father. The baby pulls his hand out and pokes the father in the head and says, Well then... STOP POKING ME IN
There were Five country churches_________ in a small TEXAS town:The Presbyterian Church the Baptist Church the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.. the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution.They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
An older gentleman______ was On the operating table Awaiting surgery And he insisted that his son,A renowned surgeon,Perform the operation.As he was about to get the anesthesia,He asked to speak to his son 'Yes, Dad, what is it? ''Don't be nervous, son;Do your best And just remember,If it doesn't go well,If something happens to me,your mother Is going to come and Live with you and your wife....'
A married couple______ was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"She replied, "Darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
One day my housework________-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !' And they say blondes are dumb..
A couple is lying in bed_______The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'The woman replies, 'I'll miss you....'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?''Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old_______________ are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Texas Gas Station_______Texas Gas Station A gas station owner in TEXAS was trying to increase gas sales.So he put up a sign that read,FREE SEX WITH FILL UP.Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his "FREE SEX"The owner told him to pick a number from from 1 to 10.If he guessed correctly he would get his "FREE SEX"The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry,No sex this time.A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba,pulled in for another fill-up.Again he asked for his "FREE SEX"The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.The redneck guessed 2 this time.The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.You were close, but no "FREE SEX" this time.As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,'I think that game is rigged and hedoesn't really give away "FREE SEX"Bubba replied,'No, it ain 't rigged. My wife won twice last week.
THE OLDER CROWD_______A distraught senior citizen Phoned her doctor's office.'Is it true,' she wanted to know,'that the medication You prescribed has to be taken For the rest of my life?''Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.There was a moment of silence Before the senior lady replied,I'm wondering, then,Just how serious is my condition Because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'
Little Old Lady________A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, theres a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. Mam there are $20 bills falling out of your bag Oh, really? Darn! says the little old lady.Id better go back and see if I can collect them.Thanks for the warning! Well, now, not so fast,says the cop.How did you get all that money? You didnt steal it, did you? Oh, no,says the little old lady.You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time theres a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, $20 or off it comes.Well that seems only fair, laughs the cop. Okay, good luck! By the way,whats in the other bag? Well,says the little old lady, not everybody pays.
YOUR DONKEY__________An old man, a boy a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people Who remarked it was a shame the old man Was walking and the boy was riding.The man and boy thought maybe the critics Were right so they changed positions.Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, What a shame, he makes that little boy walk. So they then decided theyd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who Thought they were stupid to walk when They had a decent donkey to ride.So, they both rode the donkey.Now they passed some people who Shamed them by saying how awful to Put such a load on a poor donkey.The boy and man figured they were probably Right, so they decide to carry the donkey. They lost their grip on the animal And he fell into the river and drowned.The moral of the story? You might as well...Kiss your ass goodbye! Be Careful With Your Donkey."
Five Short Stories__________I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He said, "No, just taking a shit."_____ 2. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.______ 3. My wife was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "That would hurt too much." _______4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."_________ 5. I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"''
Hillibilly Fight_______There were two backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. Cletis hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Army Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Cletis was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whup Clarence.He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whup Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 6 IN"
The Elevator______A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time. the father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator."What's that Paw?" The boy asked."I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" said the father. Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her crutch, waits for the doors to open and gets in. The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch. They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw
A farmer named Clyde_________ had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
Kentucky hotel______How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
Guy falls asleep on the beach_______A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor? The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
Father and Little Johnny_________A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike."Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,"he asked. "Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth!" Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Bra Type______a man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife' 'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?' 'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?' Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?' The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
Sex Twice a Day_____A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. Mary... Mary...Is that you John? Yes, I have come back like we agreed. What is it like? Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven. Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Indiana.
THREE YEAR OLD BOY_____IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
Cajun and donkey_______A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rode up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.""Well then, just give me my money back.""Cain't do that. I went and spent it already.""OK then, just unload the donkey.""What ya gonna do with em.""I'm gonna raffle him off.""Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!""Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?""I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.""Didn't no one complain?""Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."
The Lone Ranger_____ was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War party.The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"The Lone Ranger responds! , "I'd like to speak to my horse."The chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You Have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and; spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You Are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . . . BRING POSSEEEE
The Eagle__________ Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After awhile when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!" Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate.This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was..... "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!
''the cowboy''________A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen.The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"the woman figures why not and spends the night with him.The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "Shucks, ma'am,I'm flattered, nobody ever paid me for my services before."The woman said, "Well don't be.Just take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!
A little old lady______went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
20 Years________A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isnt in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.Whats the matter, dear? she asks. Why are you down here at this time of night? The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asks solemnly.Yes, I do,she replies smiling. Sniffling a little bit he continues.. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love? Yes, I remember,says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years? I remember that, too,she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, I would have gotten out today.
Aging:_______Eventually you will reach a point When you stop lying about your age And start bragging about it______The older we get,The fewer things Seem worth waiting in line for.______Some people Try to turn back their odometers.Not me! I want people to know 'why'I look this way.I've traveled a long way And some of the roads weren't paved.______When you are dissatisfied And would like to go back to youth,Think of Algebra.
''Think before you speak''____________Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... I walked into a hair salon with my husband and threekids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job ?"I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better._______I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls."_______My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied , "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.____________ While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter._________ Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. Asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" while 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!__________ LAST BUT NOT LEAST This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard
Undies___Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them!
Mom said: "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".Susie said: "I know they do that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
THE LOVE DRESS_______A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room."What are you doing?!" she asked."I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered."But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed."This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained."Love dress? But you're naked!""Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"The mother-in-law left.When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively."What are you doing?" he asked."This is my love dress," she whispered sensually."Needs ironing," he said. ?
Blonde Men:------------------A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
-----------------------------------Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."------------------------------------A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."------------------------------------A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."------------------------------A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish."I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".------------------------------------A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.------------------------------------A blond man shouts frantically into the phone"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"------------------------------------A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"------------------------------------A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks."Here boy!" he replies.------------A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".------------------------------------An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."?
Mother's Driver's License___________A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy", the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?""Now really", the mother says, "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her", the little girl says to her friend. "Well,' says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother,"I know how old you are. You are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 130 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out??" "And" the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why is that??""Because you got an F in sex."
A couple had been married for 50 years____________.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.''I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.''Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.''I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
A man bumps_________ into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Ralph_____ came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,and fell into a deep slumber.He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph..'Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!''You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ''Never,' said Ralph.'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....Ralph, wake up. You shit the bed!'
My wife______ and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. turned to her and said. "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....
I asked my wife,_____"Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.''Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....
I asked my wife,_______"Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....
tried to talk my wife_______ into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started....
I took my wife_________ to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started...
Saturday morning_________ I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'& And then the fight started
A man and a woman__________ were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started......
A woman_______ was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' and then the fight started......
My wife and I________ were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...
After retiring,___________ I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...
One evening______ a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
Donation__________Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.'
SMILE_______A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Lemon Squeeze___________There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Looks of Disappointment_________A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Golf Balls______A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Husband and wife______ had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever ""Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last!
Southwest airlines____________A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did.""Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time Have your Mom explain that to you."
Martha_________ recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn he was in,She poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money! She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes she said.Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, l also bought it with the insurance money! Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said. Herman, remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said. Herman, remember that blow job l promised you?;Here it comes.....
A Kentucky State Trooper_______pulled a car over on I-65 about 2 miles south of Lebanon Junction. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to New Haven to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy from Elizabethtown , got out and watched the performance He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied, You might as well take my ass to jail, there no way in hell I can pass that test.
Sex on Mars____________ The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick."I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen."Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?""Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!""No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,his member grows until it's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.""No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?""I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?""It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
MUST READ!!!!!!!__________You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. you are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.Depending on your age you might do the following: In your 20's:Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register. In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.in your 40's Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.In your 50’s: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .' In your 60's:Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure. In your 70’s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather. In your 80’s:Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. In your 90's & beyond:What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
That Thar Lost PussY---------------I'll never be able to fergit that night, no matter how much budweiser I drink. I tell ya, it was horrible. I ain't never been as sceered as I were that dark and terrible night. And I've had plenty ah reason to be sceered afor that night, that there is fer sure. What happened? Shit son, jus sit right thar and I'll tell ya, if'n ya buy me another round? Good boy. Now, ya gotta understand yerself something. My wife Geraldine and me we was somethin' special in the love making department. Like rabbits we was. We weren't the luckiest couple in the world, cept in that there one important area, cause we sure as hell could lite a far! Sorry, done went and got myself all worked up. It all started when Gerry's pussy done went and sealed itself right up. I shit you not! You gonna let me tell this here story or not? Cause this here is the God's honest truth.Sealed up like it weren't never thar in the first place, smooth as a babies ass. Jus woke up one mornin' and couldn't pee fer the life of her, reached down thar and discovered the absence of her womanly glory. I ain't gotta tell you how upsettin' that thar discovery was ta the both of us! I were so upset at first that I done went and tore up the whole trailer lookin' fer her lost pussy!! I shit you not. Like it had went and falled off in the night 'er somethin'. If'n only it were that easy. I'll skip forward a bit and just relate th' sordid tale of doctors and hospitals and clinics and big city specialists and thar weren't nary a one that did nothin' more'n take a look tween my lover's legs and declare, "Her pussy ain't thar!" Well no shit Sherlock, I coulda done went and toll ya that much.Things atween us went downhill shortly tharafter, as you might ahspect. I sure did love Geraldine more than I loved any other, but fer God's sake, she done went and lost her pussy. It wern't all that, cause it wern't long afor the government heard bout 'er and swooped in and took her away fer research or some crap like that. At that point she was riding the bed anyhow, all tubes and wares and machines, hormonies was raging and they had ta git the piss outta her somehow. So now we done went and got ya up to speed, Gerry's in the government care, her pussy done went missin' and here I was left to my own devices. Months went by and I was feelin' mighty low and horny as hell ah course. I was out late over at the Firecracker on Route 42, you know the place? Yeah, real shit hole, but it was ladies night and I figured... well, ain't no secret what I were figurin'! It weren't happenin' anyway, I wuz jus torn to pieces and a real mess, not fit fer even the hoes. I couldn't afford ta get wasted, so I was sober as a Saint when I climbed into mah pickup truck 'round two in the a.m. and headed fer home At first I thought it were my imagination playin' tricks on me. But it weren't that. I heard it and I smelled it, sittin' thar in the passenger seat ah my truck, right up front like nothin' had happened. What do you mean? Ain't it obvious, it was my wife's pussy you idgit! I ain't shittin' ya, thar it was jus sittin' thar breathin' heavy and lookin' right at me! Well, I don't know! It seemed like it was lookin' at me! Anyhow I was sure surprised as you might think, I swerved and cursed and then the damn thing jumped up inta my lap and snuggled right in thar till we got home. Hell, I was sure freaked, but it had been so long y'know? The next few days was jus like old times again, sorta. I see you laughin' behind yer hand thar and your right to laugh, until you hear the rest. As much as I like a good tumble and rumble, and Geraldine an I sure went at it, I also sure liked talkin'and bein with her the rest of the time too! We had some great times together, but this damn thing, all it wanted was fucked! All day and all night, and if it wern't gettin' it one way, it wanted it another! You try walking around with one on yer face all damn day. After a few weeks ah rapidly descendin' hell, I was gettin' weak and wastin' away from not eatin' proper. I was desperate, I think this pussy meant the end ah me fer sure. Finally I cottened to the idear of trickin' it. I took out an old coon dog cage and threw one ah Gerry's vibrating toys inside and turned it on. While I pretended to sleep the thing jumped right in thar and I leaped up and slammed the damn door shut. Trapped it! I drove fer two days straight, right out into the middle ah nowhere, and then tossed the cage and it over a deep ravine. I cried all the way back, but I figured I done the right thing. Fer everyone. Nah, I don't know where Geraldine is no more, and besides, you think they could sew that thing back on? Me neither.Ya see, I ain't from 'round these parts. Ya mighta noticed, some people tell me mah accents a bit noticeable at times. That cause I am on the run Mister. Oh hell yeah, the damn thing came back four days later no worse fer ware. Cept for some bruises and a few sticks stuck to 'er. She went right back at it, but I ran, ran my ass off. An I been runnin' sense, cause I am purely sceered cause I know somethin' Mister. Somethin' that makes me tremble in mah boots. She's comin' fer me and she's fuckin' pissed, cause ya see... its that time of the month! I'm beggin' ya Mister, take this here gun and shoot me dead.
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