WORKING OUT

  working out................... If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get  into a regular workout routine.Dear Diary, For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I  am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and  model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with  my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I  arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse  after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on  the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made  it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the  toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I  didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the  morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate  an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth  exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as  punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever  hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I  could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps. And  if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just  hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching  eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I  can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next  year, my wife (the witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun, like  a root canal or a vasectomy