things I've learned.............That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned....That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned....That money doesn't buy class. I've learned...That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned...That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned....That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned....That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned....That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned....That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned....That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned....That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned....That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've
learned...That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away. I've learned....That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. I've learned....That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. I've learned....That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned....That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned ...That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation. I've learned...That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
The Lone Ranger.......... was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War party.The
Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"The Lone Ranger responds! , "I'd like to speak to my horse."The chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops
away.Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You Have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and; spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You Are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time .. . . . BRING POSSEEEE
Subject: lemme see if I got this right...
makes my head spin!!
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET !!!
A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE,
SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE,
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU
PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION !!!
IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP AMERICA !!!!!!!!!!!!
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Sex on Mars The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick."I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen."Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?""Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!""No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,his member grows until it's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.""No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?""I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?""It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
working out................... If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.Dear Diary, For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a vasectomy
A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen.The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"the woman figures why not and spends the night with him.The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "Shucks, ma'am,I'm flattered, nobody ever paid me for my services before."The woman said, "Well don't be.Just take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"
