People You Want

God doesn't always give you the people you want,but He always gives you the people you NEED....To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be. 

Old People

'Eventually you will reach a point When you stop lying about your age And start bragging about it.The older we get,The fewer things Seem worth waiting in line for.Some people Try to turn back their odometers.Not me!I want people to know 'why'I look this way.I've traveled a long way And some of the roads weren't paved.When you are dissatisfied And would like to go back to youth,Think of Algebra.You know you are getting old when Everything either dries up or leaks.One of the many things No one tells you about aging Is that it is such a nice change From being young.Ah, being young is beautiful,But being old is comfortable.First you forget names,Then you forget faces.Then you forget to pull up your zipper.It's worse when You forget to pull it down.Long ago----When men cursed And beat the ground with sticks,It was called witchcraft...Today, it's called golf.

Police Quotes

 These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.___ If you run,you'll only go to jail tired.___The handcuffs are tight because they're new.They'll stretch out  after you wear them awhile.___So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket,huh?___The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?___ No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.___ Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.___ Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid. In God we trust, all others are suspects.   

Men Never Listen

Men Never Listen_______In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist..He pushed WW.warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.What a nice feeling, he thought Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him."What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.Your penis is under your pillow."

Reflections

 Reflections ____ I chanced to pass a window While walking through a mall With nothing much upon my mind,Quite blank as I recall.I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,And why he looked so cranky I didn't understand.Just why he looked at ME that way Was more than I could see Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!

Exspess Lane

was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?  

Thanks Dad

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card