Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' & And then the fight started
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'The husband, rejected, turns over.A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
A couple had been married for 50 years____________.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.''I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.''Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.''I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
Mother's Driver's License___________A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy", the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?""Now really", the mother says, "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her", the little girl says to her friend. "Well,' says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother,"I know how old you are. You are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 130 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out??" "And" the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why is that??""Because you got an F in sex."
Blonde Men:------------------A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
-----------------------------------Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station.One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."------------------------------------A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."------------------------------------A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."------------------------------A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish."I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".------------------------------------A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.------------------------------------A blond man shouts frantically into the phone"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"------------------------------------A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"------------------------------------A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks."Here boy!" he replies.------------A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".------------------------------------An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."?
THE LOVE DRESS............... A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room."What are you doing?!" she asked."I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered."But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed."This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained."Love dress? But you're naked!""Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"The mother-in-law left.When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively."What are you doing?" he asked."This is my love dress," she whispered sensually."Needs ironing," he said. ?
