''Think before you speak''
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... I walked into a hair salon with my husband and threekids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job ?"I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. I
was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied , "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. Asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" while 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard
''the senior''
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing..."and," pausing to take another drink of beer... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them.Now, you arrogant little shit head, what are you doing for the next generation?"
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'5 country churches''
There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:The Presbyterian Church the Baptist Church the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.. the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution.They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Those Who Believe In Nothing........you can't see the wind but you know it exists...you can't see carbon dioxide but it exists...You put faith in many things you take for granted like the fact you will wake in the morning and sleep tonight...funny how people can pick and choose what they choose to announce their faith in....at least people who believe in something stand for something...and are not living their lives standing for nothing.....believing in nothing...If the word of God and our own souls are not existence enough then you really have not taken the time to realize your true self...who you are...and what's inside. Could you make a human being from your hands?...could you form each vessel..create DNA?.... You think we just appeared here from a star-burst? You can put your faith in a scientist who has theories and rarely facts as a group of scientists who come to 5 different conclusions are NOT facts... but not in faith of the one who created you....You see i have nothing to prove to anyone for one day it will be proven to you by God...and on that day it will be to late for you.?
As I've aged, .............I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).
The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care
While discussing the upcoming Universal Health
Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found
the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior
you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
A new hip? Unheard of. We simply cant afford to take care of you anymore.
You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes,
heart problems, etc. Lets take care of the young people. After all, they
will be ruling the world very soon.
So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get
a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2
representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get
3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!!
New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung,
heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same
government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And,
since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.
I really think we have a Perfect
Solution!!!
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!
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