He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end."We're not coming out until you leave!"The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."Old men can still think fast.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love
and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was
excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve
you, but don't start anything.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: A beer please, and one for the road. Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.Is it common?Well, It's Not Unusual.
. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!
Wonder about attorneys! Some of these makes me wonder if the attorney even listens to the answer of the first question before he asks the next one. There are some of these that are just inexcusably funny?and I don?t believe they meant to be comic relief for the Court: These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITN ESS: Every year. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS:Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS:Huh? And the best for last Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in
heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
A little ! boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
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After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said , "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever ""Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Dirty Old Man A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends $30,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, I hope you dont mind my asking, but how old do you think I am? About 32, is the reply.Nope! Im exactly 50, the woman says happily..A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies I'd guess about 29.The woman replies with a big smile, Nope, I'm 50. Now shes feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk responds, Id say 30 Again she proudly responds, I'm 50, but thank you! While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.She finally blurts out, What the hell, go ahead. He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, Okay, okay....How old am I? He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, Madam, you are 50. Stunned and amazed, the woman says, That was incredible, how could you tell? The old man says, Promise you wont get mad? I promise I wont she says I was standing behind you at McDonalds.
A good nurse Yeah Buddy don't mess with us nurses we WILL get even...... A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a needed second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."
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