When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard. My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on. My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own.When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that.My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy." When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with. I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children! Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
What Starts with F and ends with K A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry, whats your problem? Harry answered, I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too! Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test .Principal: What is 3 x 3? Harry: 9. Principal: What is 6 x 6? Harry: 36. And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade. Ms. Brooks says to the principal, Let me ask him some questions.The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry, after a moment: Legs. Ms Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have? The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: Pockets. Ms. Brooks: What does a dog do that a man steps into? Harry: Pants. Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut. The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, Bubble gum. Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? Harry: Shake hands.The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an F and ends in K that means a lot of heat and excitement? Harry: Firetruck.the principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn he was in,She poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money! She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes she said.Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, l also bought it with the insurance money! Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said. Herman, remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said. Herman, remember that blow job l promised you?;Here it comes.....
Just a little tax
Tax his land,Tax his bed,Tax the table At which hes fed. Tax his tractor,Tax his mule T
each him taxes Are the rule.Tax his cow,Tax his goat Tax his pants,Tax his coat.Tax his ties,Tax his shirt,Tax his work,Tax his dirt.Tax his tobacco,Tax his drink,Tax him if he-Tries to think.Tax his cigars,Tax his beers,If he cries, then Tax his tears.Tax his car,Tax his gas,Find other ways To tax his a$$.Tax all he has Then let him know That you wont be done Till he has no dough.When he screams and hollers,Then tax him some more,Tax him till Hes good and sore.Then tax his coffin,Tax his grave,Tax the sod in Which hes laid.Put these words upon his tomb, Taxes drove me to my doom...When hes gone, Do not relax, Its time to apply The inheritance tax.Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax CDL license Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Excise Taxes Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Ta x Food License Tax Fuel Permit Tax Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon) Gross Receipts Tax Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Personal Property Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Service Charge Tax Social Security Tax Road Usage Tax Sales Tax Recreational Vehicle Tax School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone Federal Excise Tax Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax Telephone State and Local Tax Telephone Usage Charge Tax Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft Registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? NOT ONE OF THESE TAXES EXISTED 100 YEARS AGO and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.What happened? Can you spell politicians! And I still have to press 1 for English.
Little Old Lady A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, theres a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. Mam there are $20 bills falling out of your bag Oh, really? Darn! says the little old lady.Id better go back and see if I can collect them.Thanks for the warning! Well, now, not so fast,says the cop.How did you get all that money? You didnt steal it, did you? Oh, no,says the little old lady.You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time theres a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, $20 or off it comes.Well that seems only fair, laughs the cop. Okay, good luck! By the way,whats in the other bag? Well,says the little old lady, not everybody pays.
The Eagle................Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After awhile when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!" Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate.This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was..... "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!
