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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." 

Truly Blonde_____A blond  has become dreadfully overweight. She goes to the doctor and he decides to put her on a diet. "I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you'll probbaly be 5 pounds lighter." The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she lost 20 pounds. "That's amazing!" Said the doctor, "and you followed my instructions?" The blond nodds, tiredly. "I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" Asked her doctor. "No, silly, from the skipping!"

A police officer_____called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." 
"Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet." 

Wilma and her husband Barney_____ go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

Don't eat chicken sandwiches,______A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.''Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right.You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Marco Rubio______My prayers tonight are with the people of France as they come to terms with the terrible tragedy unfolding in Paris. These brutal terrorist attacks against innocent civilians are a reminder of the increasing dangers facing free peoples around the world, and it is important for all Americans to stand with the people of France in this difficult time. As we learn more about the attacks and who is behind them, the United States should assist the French government in finding those who are accountable and bringing them to justice. We cannot let those who seek to disrupt our way of life succeed. We must increase our efforts at home and abroad to improve our defenses, destroy terrorist networks, and deprive them of the space from which to operate.
Write a comment_____Bob Healey __You do not lock the front door of your house because you hate the people outside. You lock it because you love the people inside._____Greg Gutfeld______note to celebrities: stop tweeting sketches of the Eiffel Tower as part of a peace sign. You're idiots_____ the russian jet didn't wake us up. the 200 executed children didn't wake us up. Save the solemn pronouncements. we're long past lit candles 
 Sean Whalen_____MARK MY WORDS ?? ISIS is coming to America. I guarantee those fucks are already here. They will come to slaughter the sheep.
They will come for your children. They will come where they know they can inflict the most damage. They will come to cities and people with no guns.
They will come as a thief in the night when the sheep are fast asleep. WAKE UP. Obama can't protect you. The government can't protect you. You have 2 choices. 1. Be slaughtered. 2. Be ready and defend yourself. I love and want peace as much is the next man. But rest assured, there is and will always be someone wanting to hurt you. Live in peace. But you better be ready for war. YOUR CHOICE. 

Sorry, but I need to vent!!______ So I went to Walmart to get some clearance Halloween stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like, What is her problem?! I finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone so I don't have to look at her. Finally she says "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my son who just passed away." I felt really bad after that and gave her my condolences. She says "Thank you...but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me?" Inside I was like really?!? There is no way I would refuse so I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves. The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100.87. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "What?!!!" She said, "Your mom said you were paying for her items along with your things. I told her that the woman was most definitely NOT my mom. She said, well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like OMG...I flew out of the store looking for this witch and I see her loading up her car! She saw me and jumped in but I got to her as she was putting her leg in, and I started pulling her leg...just like I'm pulling yours right now!_____Hahaha... if I got you good, feel free to copy and paste. 

Lemon Squeeze___________There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 

Looks of Disappointment_________A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' 

Golf Balls______A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"  

Husband and wife______ had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever ""Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last!

Southwest airlines____________A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did.""Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time Have your Mom explain that to you."  

Martha_________ recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn he was in,She poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money! She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes she said.Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, l also bought it with the insurance money! Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said. Herman, remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said. Herman, remember that blow job l promised you?;Here it comes.....

A Kentucky State Trooper_______pulled a car over on I-65 about 2 miles south of Lebanon Junction. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to New Haven to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy from Elizabethtown , got out and watched the performance He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied, You might as well take my ass to jail, there no way in hell I can pass that test.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Sex on Mars____________ The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick."I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen."Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?""Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!""No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,his member grows until it's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.""No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?""I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?""It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.