The Typewriter

The Typewriter______A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

G+Friends

To All my g+friends i invite you to follow me on my blogger page

First Football Game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend__________ to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?""Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!" A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!" 

The Special Therapist

The Special Therapist___________An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' 
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing  wrong with the way you have intercourse..'He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.  This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry,  but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all.... Medicare pays $43 of it.'

The Physical Examination

The Physical Examination________70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" 

Blonde Secretary

A manager walks by his blonde secretary's desk when he notices she is crying her eyes out. Concerned for her well being, he asked her gently: "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my aunt had passed away.” The boss, feeling very sorry for her, suggests to the young girl. “Why don’t you take a day, go home and rest. We're not very busy, so just take this time for yourself. The blonde very calmly replies “No, I’d be better off here. It's good to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.” The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything just let me know.” Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, “What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?” “No”, exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that HER aunt died too!” 

Fresh From My Shower

Fresh from my shower,......... I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds" Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts."How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your ass, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw 

The Stewardess

A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms. The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!" “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Truly Blonde

Truly Blond...A blond  has become dreadfully overweight. She goes to the doctor and he decides to put her on a diet. "I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you'll probbaly be 5 pounds lighter." The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she lost 20 pounds. "That's amazing!" Said the doctor, "and you followed my instructions?" The blond nodds, tiredly. "I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" Asked her doctor. "No, silly, from the skipping!"

A Poem By Charlie Chaplin

THIS IS LIFE! A poem by Charlie Chaplin written on his 70th birthday on April 16, 1959.

When I started loving myself
I understood that I'm always and at any given opportunity
in the right place at the right time.
And I understood that all that happens is right -
from then on I could be calm.
Today I know: It's called TRUST.

When I started to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
When I tried to force my desires on this person,
even though I knew the time is not right and the person was not ready for it,
and even though this person was me.
Today I know: It's called LETTING GO

When I started loving myself
I could recognize that emotional pain and grief
are just warnings for me to not live against my own truth.
Today I know: It's called AUTHENTICALLY BEING.

When I started loving myself
I stopped longing for another life
and could see that everything around me was a request to grow.
Today I know: It's called MATURITY.

When I started loving myself
I stopped depriving myself of my free time
and stopped sketching further magnificent projects for the future.
Today I only do what's fun and joy for me,
what I love and what makes my heart laugh,
in my own way and in my tempo.
Today I know: it's called HONESTY.

When I started loving myself
I escaped from all what wasn't healthy for me,
from dishes, people, things, situations
and from everyhting pulling me down and away from myself.
In the beginning I called it the "healthy egoism",
but today I know: it's called SELF-LOVE.

When I started loving myself
I stopped wanting to be always right
thus I've been less wrong.
Today I've recognized: it's called HUMBLENESS.

When I started loving myself
I refused to live further in the past
and worry about my future.
Now I live only at this moment where EVERYTHING takes place,
like this I live every day and I call it CONSCIOUSNESS.

When I started loving myself
I recognized, that my thinking
can make me miserable and sick.
When I requested for my heart forces,
my mind got an important partner.
Today I call this connection HEART WISDOM.

We do not need to fear further discussions,
conflicts and problems with ourselves and others
since even stars sometimes bang on each other
and create new worlds.
Today I know: THIS IS LIFE! 

The Photographer

THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER  IN 1994 DURING THE SUDANE FAMINE.  THE CHILD WAS TRYING TO CRAWL TOWARDS A UNITED NATIONS FOOD CAMP A KILOMETER AWAY.  NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FATE OF THIS POOR LITTLE CHILD WAS OR IF THE VULTURE GOT WHAT HE WAS WAITING FOR~ BUT THE PHOTOGRAPHER COMMITTED SUICIDE 3 MONTHS LATER WHEN HIS PHOTO WON THE PULITZER PRIZE.  I'M SURE HE WAS GUILT RIDDEN BECAUSE HE DID NOTHING BUT WALK AWAY AFTER HIS PHOTOGRAPH WAS CAPTURED.  MY HEART CRIES TO SEE THIS KNOWING IT HAPPENS EVERYDAY WHILE WE INDULGE IN THE AMERICAN WAY OF SUPERSIZE EVERYTHING AND LAVISHING OUR KIDS WITH THEIR EVERY DEMAND AND NEW GADGET.