A Few Jokes

Cussing


A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." 
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? 
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"  


 Golf Balls


A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"  

  Telephone Company


Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer. "Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said. Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was the answer. "Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?" "Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground." 

   Blonde Ironing


A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidently picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.” 
“Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed, “but what happened to your other ear?” 
“The SOB called back!!” 

 Husband Calls Maid


Husband calls home and the maid answers the phone.He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs with her boyfriend." So, he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and shoot them both." 
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok.", 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?" 

Why We Love Children

 '' Why We Love  Children''
   
1)  NUDITY: I was driving with  my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in  the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark  naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old  shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat  belt!'
2)  OPINIONS: On the first day of  school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.  The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not  necessarily those of his parents.'
3)  KETCHUP: A woman was trying  hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the  phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the  phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.  She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE  NUDITY:A little boy got  lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.  When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies  grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in  amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever  seen a little boy before?' 
5) POLICE #  1: While taking a  routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was  interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and  down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered  and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed  help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,'  I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward  me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 
6) POLICE #  2: It was the end of  the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I  gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I  saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back  there?' he asked.'It sure is,' I replied.Puzzled, the boy  looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he  said, 'What'd he do?'
7)  ELDERLY:Wh '' Why We Love  Children''
   
1)  NUDITY: I was driving with  my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in  the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark  naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old  shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat  belt!'
2)  OPINIONS: On the first day of  school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.  The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not  necessarily those of his parents.'
3)  KETCHUP: A woman was trying  hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the  phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the  phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.  She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE  NUDITY:A little boy got  lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.  When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies  grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in  amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever  seen a little boy before?' 
5) POLICE #  1: While taking a  routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was  interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and  down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered  and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed  help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,'  I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward  me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 
6) POLICE #  2: It was the end of  the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I  gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I  saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back  there?' he asked.'It sure is,' I replied.Puzzled, the boy  looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he  said, 'What'd he do?'
7)  ELDERLY:While working  for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I  used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She  was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,  particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found  her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I  braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely  turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe  this!' 
8)  DRESS-UP: A little girl was  watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad  donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that  suit.'
'And why not, darling?''You know that it always  gives you a headache the next morning.'
9)  DEATH: While walking along  the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the  intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently,  his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.  Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a  small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for  the disposal of the deceased.The minister's son was chosen to  say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his  version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto  the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he  goooes.' (I want this line used  at my funeral!) 
10)  SCHOOL: A little girl had  just finished her first week of school 'I'm just wasting my  time,' she said to her mother 'I can't read, I can't write, and  they won't let me talk!' 11)  BIBLE: A little boy opened  the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the  old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up  the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had  been pressed in between the pages.'Mama, look what I found,'  the boy called out.'What have you got there, dear?'With  astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's  Adam 's underwear!' ile working  for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I  used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She  was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,  particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found  her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I  braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely  turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe  this!' 
8)  DRESS-UP: A little girl was  watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad  donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that  suit.'
'And why not, darling?''You know that it always  gives you a headache the next morning.'
9)  DEATH: While walking along  the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the  intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently,  his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.  Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a  small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for  the disposal of the deceased.The minister's son was chosen to  say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his  version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto  the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he  goooes.' (I want this line used  at my funeral!) 
10)  SCHOOL: A little girl had  just finished her first week of school 'I'm just wasting my  time,' she said to her mother 'I can't read, I can't write, and  they won't let me talk!' 
11)  BIBLE: A little boy opened  the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the  old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up  the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had  been pressed in between the pages.'Mama, look what I found,'  the boy called out.'What have you got there, dear?'With  astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's  Adam 's underwear!'